"You know what? When I look back on my little life and the birds I've known, and think of all the things they've done for me and the little I've done for them, you'd think I've had the best of it along the line. But what have I got out of it? I've got a bob or two, some decent clothes, a car, I've got me health back and I ain't attached. But I ain't got me peace of mind - and if you ain't got that, you ain't got nothing. I dunno. It seems to me if they ain't got you one way they've got you another. So what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself - what's it all about? Know what I mean?"

"Is every man an Alfie? Ask any girl."

"What's it all about... Alfie."

"Michael Caine - Alfie Elkins"

"Sydney Tafler - Frank"

"Murray Melvin - Nat"

"Graham Stark - Humphrey"

"Denholm Elliott - Abortionist"

"My understanding of women only goes as far as the pleasure. When it comes to the pain I'm like any other bloke - I don't want to know."

"A married woman, see. Every one of 'em in need of a good laugh. It don't never strike their husbands. I always say, make a married woman laugh and you're halfway there with her. Of course, it don't work with the single bird. Start you off on the wrong foot. You get one of them laughing, you won't get nothing else."

"What I loved once and what I love now are two different things."

"I've never told her that I love her - except at those times when you've got to say something for appearance's sake."

"[about Gilda's appearance while she is pregnant] Mind you, she came over quite beautified for a while, particularly during the early months. And I told her: I said "Blimey, girl, you ain't as ugly as I thought"."

"I don't want no bird's respect - I wouldn't know what to do with it."

"She's got a little ginger moustache. But I find I'm quite willing to overlook the odd blemish in a woman, providing she's got something to make up for it. Well, that's what we're all here for, innit - to help each other out in this life."

"If you lose a bird you can always replace her. But with a child it's different."

"I told Gilda from the start that I ain't the marrying sort. And do you know what? She don't mind. She's a stand-by and she knows it. And any bird that knows its place in this world can be quite content."

"When a married woman gets too hot on, it's time to cool off."

"It don't do to get dependent on nobody in this life."

"You've got to live for yourself in this world, not for others."

"Do you know, I'm beginning to think she was beautiful. After all, it ain't through the eyes that you feel beauty, it's how the heart hungers for something that makes it beautiful."

"If a bird ain't got you one way, she's got you another."

"Good morning, Mrs. Fisher. How's it hanging?"

"[in college cafeteria] I have never seen so many ugly men in all my life. I mean look at them, they're trying to wear their brains on the outside."

"[to Jonathan] You haven't lived a bloody day since, have you? I mean what else have you achieved in the last 20 years? I've read your other work, and it sure ain't Tolstoy. Unless it's the sequel: "Bore and Cease"."

"Jessica Brown Findlay - Emelia"

"Sebastian Koch - Jonathan Fischer"

"Julia Ormond - Joa Fischer"

"Felicity Jones - Beth Fischer"

"Peter Vaughan - Grandpa"

"Mollee Gray - Sari"

"It's like an emotional peanut allergy."

"Someone call Charlie Brown, we found the Great Pumpkin."

"Adam, did you make me a Period Mix?"

"I warned you not to come. It's not safe for you here."

"It's like a crime scene in my pants."

"Tea for your gina..."

"Just shut up and take your Pamprin."

"YOU are NOT even a woman!"

"Ten years from now you will be having sex with your wife. and it'll be in the missionary position. And one of you will be asleep."

"Friendship has its benefits"

"Natalie Portman - Dr. Emma K. Kurtzman"