Thank You for Smoking

"Few people on this planet know what it is to be truly despised. Can you blame them? I earn a living fronting an organization that kills one thousand two hundred human beings a day; 1200 people. We're talking two jumbo jet plane loads of men, women, and children. I mean there's Attila, Genghis, and me, Nick Naylor, the face of cigarettes, the Colonel Sanders of nicotine. This is where I work, the Academy of Tobacco Studies. It was established by seven gentlemen you may recognize from C-Span. These guys realized quick if they were going to claim cigarettes were not addictive, they better have proof. This is the man they rely on—Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt. They found him in Germany; I won't go into the details. He's been testing the link between nicotine and lung cancer for thirty years, and hasn't found any conclusive results. The man's a genius—he could disprove gravity. Then we got our sharks. We draft them out of Ivy League law, schools and give them timeshares and sports cars. It's just like a John Grisham novel, well—you know—without all the espionage. Most importantly, we've got spin control. That's where I come in. I get paid to talk. I don't have an MD or law degree. I have a bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names. You know that guy who can pick up any girl? I'm him, on crack."

"After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then seventeen, signed up for the National Guard so that he too could shoot college students. But, the National Guard recruiter was out to lunch, so Bobby Jay ended up shooting Panamanians instead. Which was almost as good as college students, only they shoot back."

"How many alcohol related deaths a year? 100,000? That's, what, 270 a day? Tragedy. How many firearms related deaths a year? 11,000? That comes out to a measly 30 a day!"

"In 1910, the US was producing ten billion cigarettes a year, by 1930 we were up to one hundred twenty three billion, what happened in between? Three things: a World War, Dieting and movies. [...] 1927, talking pictures are born. Suddenly directors need to give their actors something to do while they're talking. Cary Grant and Carole Lombard are lighting up, Bette Davis, a chimney, and Bogart, remember the first picture with him and Lauren Bacall? [...] She sort of shimmies in through the doorway. Nineteen years old. Pure sex. She says "Anyone got a match?" and Bogie throws the matches at her... and she catches them. Greatest romance in the century, how did it start? Lighting a cigarette. In these days, when someone smokes in the movies, they're either a psychopath... or an European. The message that Hollywood needs to send out is "Smoking is Cool!". We need the cast of, uh, Will & Grace smoking in their living room, Forrest Gump puffing away between his box of chocolates, Hugh Grant earning back the love of Julia Roberts by buying her favorite brand - her Virginia Slims. Most of the actors smoke already. If they start doing it on screen... We can put the sex back into cigarettes."

"Everyone's got a mortgage to pay. [inner monologue] The Yuppie Nuremberg defense."

"Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. I talk. Everyone has a talent."

"People, what is going on out there? I look down this table, all I see are white flags! Our numbers are down all across the board. Teen smoking, our bread and butter, is falling like a shit from heaven! We don't sell Tic Tacs for Christ's sake. We sell cigarettes! And they're cool and available and addictive. The job is almost done for us! Now, this environmentalist [Pussy] is challenging us. We have to have an answer! I'm asking you, when this cocksucker puts Captain Hook on our product, what the fuck are we going to do!?"

"50 million dollars?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!"

"The rest of you people go slam your fucking brains against your desks until something useful comes out!"

"The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!"

"When you're looking for a cancer kid, he should be hopeless. He should have a wheelchair, he should have trouble talking, he should have a little pet goldfish in a Zip-lock bag, hopeless."

"Heather Holloway: My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer, blood sucker, pimp, profiteer and my personal favorite, yuppie Mephistopheles."

"Doak "The Captain" Boykin: You're family now. Tobacco takes care of its own."

"Joey Naylor: It's like you always said, Dad, "If you want an easy job, go work for the Red Cross.""

"Bobby Jay Bliss : It was some pretty fucked up shit."

"Polly Bailey : Are you a tit man?"

"America is living in spin."

"Nick Naylor doesn't hide the truth … he filters it."

"Aaron Eckhart – Nick Naylor"

"Maria Bello – Polly Bailey"

"Cameron Bright – Joey Naylor"

"Adam Brody – Jack"

"Sam Elliott – Lorne Lutch"

"Katie Holmes – Heather Holloway"

"David Koechner – Bobby Jay Bliss"

"William H. Macy – Senator Ortolan Finisterre"

"J.K. Simmons – BR"

"Robert Duvall – Captain"

"Kim Dickens – Jill Naylor"

"Rob Lowe – Jeff Megall"

"Todd Louiso – Ron Goode"

"Dennis Miller – Himself"

"Joan Lunden – Herself"

"Jeff Witzke – Kidnapper"

"Richard Speight Jr. – Ricky Del, the Eager Trainee"

"Nancy O'Dell – Herself"