So I Married an Axe Murderer

"Head! Pants! Now!"

"Give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in."

"Look at the size of that boy's head. I’m not kidding. It's like an orange on a toothpick."

"No kidding. His head's like Sputnik. Spherical, but quite pointy in parts."

"Ooh, that was off-sides, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow!"

"We have a piper down. I repeat, a piper is down. 'S all right, he's just pissed."

"Let's get pissed!"

"May, turn off the Bay City Rollers! The soccer game is about to begin!"

"Heid! Paper! Now! Move that melon of yours and get the paper if you can, hauling that gargantuan cranium about!"

"May, shut it!"

"[singing "Do You Think I'm Sexy" with bagpipes] If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, c'mon baby let me know! Haggis solo!"

"Well it's a well-known fact, sonny-Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually in a secret country mansion in Colorado known as The Meadows. (So who's in this Pentavirate?) The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds...and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up! Ooh I hated the Colonel, with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face! Ohh you're gonna buy my chicken! Ooh! (Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?) Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly, smart arse!"

"[is served a huge cup of coffee] Excuse me miss, there seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello?!"

"I believe most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

"You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called FA-QUE! [pronounces it "fuck you"] It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground."

"Come Nadia, let us dance like children of the night."

"[after being asked by Harriet what he looks for in a woman] Most people say a sense of humor, but I'm gonna have to go with breast size."

"I like the night life. I like to boogey."

"I think I'm dating Ms. X..."

"I care for Apple Jacks a great deal."

"Harriet! Harry-it Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed? He wants you back, he screams into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely! It's really hard! This poem... sucks."

"Woman... woe-man... whoah, man!She was a thief, you got to belief, she stole my heart and my cat. Betty, Judy, Josie and those hot Pussycats... They make me horny, Saturday morny Girls of cartoo-ins Won't leave me in ruins I want to to be Betty's Barney. Hey Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love."

"Mike Myers - Charlie/Stuart Mackenzie"

"Brenda Fricker - May Mackenzie"

"Anthony LaPaglia - Tony Giardino"

"Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels"