Snatch (film)

"Not many people are named after a plane crash."

"[Voiceover] This is Tommy. He tells people he's named after a gun, but I know he's named after a famous 19th century ballet dancer."

"Hurry up, Tommy, before zee Germans get here."

"That's Doug the Head. Everybody knows Doug the Head. If it's stones and it's stolen, he's the man to speak to. Pretends he's Jewish. Wishes he was Jewish. Even tells his family they're Jewish, but he's about as Jewish as he is a fucking monkey. He thinks it's good for business. And in the diamond business, it is good for business."

"Now, I know he looks like a fat fucker … well, he is a fat fucker … but he's dirty and he's dangerous."

"[Voiceover] Boris "the Blade", or Boris "the Bullet Dodger". As bent as the Soviet sickle, and as hard as the hammer that crosses it. Apparently, it's just impossible to kill the bastard."

"You show me how to control a wild fucking gypsy, and I'll show you how to control an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster."

"[Voiceover] Ever crossed the road and looked the wrong way? And hey presto, a car's nearly on you, so what do you do? You freeze. And your life doesn't flash before your eyes, 'cause you're too fucking scared to think – you just freeze, and pull a stupid face. The pikey didn't – why? Because he had plans on running the car over. It had previously occurred to me that the pikey had taken the demise of his mother rather lightly. For every action, there is a reaction. And a pikey reaction … is quite a fucking thing."

"Tommy persuaded me to keep the dog; I eventually agreed, as long as he took it to a vet. Couldn't stand that squeaking anymore. The vet found a squeaky toy, an undigested shoe, and an eighty-six carat diamond lodged in the dog's stomach. Lot can happen in a week. [The dog barks] Still didn't shut it up, though."

"Now … we are fucked."

"In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary … come again?"

"I don't care if he's Muhammad "I'm-hard" Bruce Lee, you can't change fighters!"

"[To Turkish] You are on thin fucking ice, my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks! Now, fuck off."

"Goody gumdrops. Get us a cup of tea, will you, Errol?"

"Listen here, you fucking fringe. If I throw a dog a bone, I don't want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I'm talking, and I'll cut your fucking Jacobs off."

"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by a 'orrible cunt: me."

"Pull your tongue out of my arsehole Gary. Dogs do that, You're not a dog are yer Gary?"

"I'm gonna be watching you, and I don't care where you go. You can fuck off to Tibet, and I shall have men, nutters, from Parkhurst, dressed in yeti suits, up Everest, with meat cleavers ready to chop your tarty fuckin' legs off!"

"[Tony repeatedly slams a car door down on a man's head while the car phone rings; he politely answers] Bonjour?"

"[Madonna's "Lucky Star" comes on on the radio] Oh, I love this track."

"[To a would-be assassin who has just run out of bullets] You're in trouble now, boy."

"Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity."

"So, you're obviously the big dick. And there on either side of you are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big, brave balls, and there are little, mincy faggot balls. Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever; they smell pussy, and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good ol' pussy, and have brought your two little, mincey, faggot balls along for a good ol' time. But you've got your parties muddled up; there's no pussy here, just a dose that will make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you're having second thoughts. You're shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with ya. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written on the side of your guns…and the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle .50" written on the side of mine…should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now…fuck off!"

"Save your breath for cooling your porridge"

"Deadly kick fer a fat focker, eh?"

"[Roused from his drunken stupor] I need to have a shite."

"Fook, 'e's a big fella."

"Now look, she wants the Heki 2 roof lights, uh, the stylish ash frame furniture, and the scatter cushions with, uh, matching shag pile cover. Yeah. Right. And she's terrible partial to the periwinkle blue boss."

"Ya stay until the job is done!"

"Nobody brings a fella the size o' him, 'less they're tryin' to say somethin' without talkin'."

"Why the fuck would I want with a caravan that's got no fockin' wheels?!"

"Ya like dags? Dags, ya like 'em?"

"Russians. Anti-semite cossack sluts."

"I'm getting heartburn. Tony, do something terrible."

"[After Rosebud has been badly injured in capturing Boris] First we get the stone, bubi, then we'll get you to a doctor. And not just any doctor, boychik, I'm gonna get you to a nice Jewish doctor. [To Tony] Find my friend a nice Jewish doctor!"

"[To his colleague] Yes, London. You know, fish, chips, cup o' tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fuckin' Poppins … London!"

"[When asked by the Customs agent at the American airport if he has anything to declare] Yeah, don't go to England!"

"[To Doug the Head] Shut up, and sit down you big, bald, fuck!"

"Boris "the Blade" Yurinov: Drop the gun, fat boy."

"Boris "the Blade" Yurinov: You can keep the 10 large, along with the body. But if I see you again – you motherfuckers! – well, look at him. [points to Franky Four Finger's corpse]"

"Boris "the Blade" Yurinov: [referring to the gun he sold Tommy] Heavy is good, heavy is reliable. If it doesn't work … you can always hit them with it."

"Chinese Victim of Bullet Tooth Tony: [after shooting Tony several times without him dying] I shoot you, you go down!"

"Franky Four Fingers: So the Biblical scholars mistranslated the Hebrew word for "young woman" into the Greek word for "virgin". It was an easy mistake to make, since there is only a subtle difference in the spelling. But it was the "virgin" that caught people's attention. It's not every day a virgin conceives and bears a son. So you keep that for a couple of hundred years, and the next thing you know, you have the Holy Catholic Church. Oy vey."

"Sol: [Vinny tries to open the outer door at the bookies] It won't open because it's a security door!"

"Various characters: [regarding Boris the Blade] Sneaky fuckin' Russian"

"Stealin' Stones and Breakin' Bones"

"Now you see it, now you don't!"

"Stealing stones is hazardous."

"Jason Statham – Turkish"

"Stephen Graham – Tommy"