"[To Monique, breaking up with her] You're hot Monique, smokin' hot. But there are plenty of hot girls out there. And the truth is you have nothing else to offer! And when my eyes are closed, I see you for what you truly are, which is UUUG-LAY!"

"[Quoting Coach] Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."

"[to Viola (as Sebastian)] Why, why do you always talk about girls in such graphic terms?"

"Dude, come on, you're a guy, what would you do if the hottest girl in school came and asked you on a date?"

"[Seeing Olivia and 'Sebastian' meeting outside his office] What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way to not... is to not. Uh- [Pretending to respond to someone in his office] Hm? [Goes back inside his office]"

"[Handing 'Sebastian' his food at lunch] Have a great apple and sandwich! [The next student steps up and begins to ask for something] No."

"[When asked where the Sebastian is] Well, he must be half way to China by now, he showed us his willis & doodleberries."

"I think I played soccer once, or was it chess?"

"[tears up the manual containing the "no girls allowed" policy, before returning it to the referee] What manual? Listen, pal. Here at Illyria, we don't discriminate based on gender!"

"Okay, how come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she's cool? Screw you guys. I hate high school."

"Olivia: [as Viola takes her place at the kissing booth] Beware. The old guy chewing gum... it's not gum."

"Olivia: [When Malcolm, telling her his tarantula is loose, says she should not feed it] Yes, because my first instinct would be to feed the turantula."

"Monique: [in response to Andrew's flirting] Ew, what are you, hitting on me? Let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours."

"Paul: Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. [pause] That came out wrong, but you know what I mean."

"Justin: [after he blocks a goal] That's right. Didn't score on me last half, won't score on this half! I'm a ninja. Ninja Goalie."

"Amanda Bynes – Viola"

"Channing Tatum – Duke"

"Laura Ramsey – Olivia"

"Alex Breckenridge – Monique"

"Jonathan Sadowski – Paul"

"James Snyder – Malcolm"

"Emily Perkins – Eunice"

"James Kirk – Sebastian"

"Robert Hoffman – Justin"

"Amanda Crew – Kia"

"Jessica Lucas – Yvonne"

"Vinnie Jones – Coach Dinklage"

"David Cross – Principal Horatio Gold"

"Brandon Jay McLaren – Toby"

"Clifton Murray – Andrew"

"Lynda Boyd – Cheryl"

"Robert Torti – Coach Pistonek"