Oscar Levant

"It certainly will be if you are still around."

"Tell me, George, if you had it to do all over, would you fall in love with yourself again?"

"It would have been better if you had died and Gershwin had written the elegy."

"A symphonic conductor should reconcile himself to the realization that, regardless of his approach or temperament, the eventual result is the same — the orchestra will hate him."

"I would like to have been present, if I could have my choice of all moments in music history, when Stokowski suddenly became conscious of his beautiful hands. That must have been a moment. Like stout Cortez [sic] on a peak in Darien (I know it was Balboa) he saw before him a limitless expanse, a whole uncharted sea that might be subjected to his influence, free from the encumbrance of a baton."

"He never asks the orchestra to do anything which contradicts the players' feeling of what the music signifies or what the printed notes of the score actually mean in plain musical language. To his credit he does not pretend to omniscience. When a certain progression of programs with the Philharmonic decreed that he conduct the Brahms Fourth Symphony two seasons ago, he disavowed intensive rehearsals with the simple statement to the orchestra: "Gentlemen, you know the work better than I do." Both the compliment and the attitude endeared themselves so much to the orchestra that they literally forgot themselves in a mass effort to justify his statement—and, as one of those who heard the performance, I can testify that they delivered one of the most powerful and integrated interpretations of the score that New York has experienced in years."

"Incompatibility. And besides, I think she hated me."

"This piano plays. Which is more than I can say for her."

"It's not a pretty face, I grant you. But underneath its flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character."

"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue."

"I don't drink liquor. I don't like it. It makes me feel good."

"I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy."

"There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."

"Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you will find the real tinsel underneath."

"My last picture for Warners was Romance on the High Seas. It was Doris Day's first picture; that was before she became a virgin."

"I once said cynically of a politician, "He'll double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.""

"An epigram is only a wisecrack that's played at Carnegie Hall."

"I heartily approve of her campaign to beautify America. It would be greatly improved if the First Family were kept out of sight."

"Zsa Zsa Gabor not only worships at The Golden Calf, she insists on barbecuing it for lunch."

"Ballet is the fairies' baseball."

"The difference between the Republicans and the Democrats is that the Democrats let the poor be corrupt, too."

"John O'Hara was a terrible bore as a young man—always looking for a fight, and making sure he never found one."

"Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember."

"He writes the kind of music you whistle on the way into the theater."

"If George is around, it will."

"It's an advantage having a limited output. When George Gershwin is asked to play his repertoire, he plays all evening. I just play "Lady Play Your Mandolin" and I'm through."

"I envy people who drink — at least they know what to blame everything on."

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left."

"I am no more humble than my talents require."

"I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself."

"I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients."

"Once he makes up his mind, he's full of indecision."

"Now that Marilyn Monroe is kosher, Arthur Miller can eat her."

"The other night my daughter Lorna reminisced about the time I regressed to complete infantilism. We were having dinner and tapioca pudding was served. A wild glint came into my eyes and in the presence of my wife and children I shrieked at the top of my voice, “I love this more than anything in the world!” I had to be withdrawn from tapioca pudding slowly. It was one of the few times I wasn’t committed to achieve withdrawal."

"When I used to speak of the lunatic fringe, I didn’t know I was going to be head of it."

"Apropos of nothing, I asked [Truman] Capote, “Are you for integration?” He said, “Yes, are you for integration?” I said, “I’m for disintegration… personal disintegration.”"

"I rated the drug Demerol over sex as the ultimate pleasure at one time. Now I don’t have access to either."

"As a rule I never read bad reviews about myself because my best friends invariably tell me about them."

"A psychiatrist once diagnosed my troubles as “an abdication of will.”"

"Instant unconsciousness had been my greatest passion for ten years."

"I have seizures of momentary sanity."

"In the middle and late 50′s I was in hospitals constantly. I was committed every time I drew a breath or took an extra twelve pills–which never affected me much because I’m not suicidal."

"When I was in my prime, I was an egomaniac and didn’t allow my wife to buy the best sardines–the King Oscars–which bear my name. I felt there should be only one king in my house."

"[Ira Gershwin] said that [P.G.] Wodehouse will address a letter, stamp it and throw it out of his third-story window onto the street trusting in the good nature of passerby to pick it up and mail it."

"The book should be a happy introduction to a character who, if he did not exist, could not be imagined."

"Oscar would have been here at the head table—but he was feeling well."

"I was fond of Oscar, but there was something about our twin natures which made us exchange insults. I told him that I wanted to make a date with him every day so that I would know where he was and could avoid the place."

"I was on Information Please with him and afterward there was a party and idly Oscar sat down at the piano and began to play. I remember how the conversation hushed in the crowded room. The waiters stopped serving and stood, silently listening. Yet, on this TV show, he seems almost a buffoon, as if he is deliberately mocking himself, drawing a caricature of the old Levant."

"I can see him to this day. He was witty and funny, always playing himself in the movies. He smoked so many cigarettes, there was a nicotine streak on his upper lip and on his fingers between the index finger and the second one. He was a wonderful guy—but he played the piano like a sledgehammer."

"It is not always possible to predict the response of a doting Jewish mother. Witness the occasion on which the late piano virtuoso Oscar Levant telephoned his mother with some important news. He had proposed to his beloved and been accepted. Replied Mother Levant: “Good, Oscar, I’m happy to hear it. But did you practice today?”"