Me, Myself & Irene

"[A beginning montage of Charlie/Hank is riding his patrolbike] Meet Charlie. Helpful dad. Upstanding citizen. And an 18 year veteran of the greatest law enforcement agency in the land, The Rhode Island State Police. That's Charlie's home. Modest like the man. Even though he lived on the water, Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer. Which will come into play a little later in our story. But i'm getting way ahead of myself. You know maybe it's best if we just go back and beging at the beginning."

"It's funny how a man reacts when his heart gets broken. Some break down and cry like a baby. Others, they take out an Uzi and climb a clock tower."

"I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven."

"Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure."

"Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone."

"Wanna start me up? Open the choke and pull the cord down. I'm due for Seismic event and you're dancing the fault line."

"I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid."

"Yeah, she's pretty much screwed. Come on, I'll buy you a beer."

"Had enough? Up yours."

"Arrivederci, deadwood."

"That was me. Yeah, big deal. The guy's got his glassjaw."

"This is my body! Do you understand that? I'm calling the shots from now on, Hank. I don't need you to fight my battles for me. If you back down from something this important, you're nothing at all. YOU'RE NOTHING AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"

"[Driving while singing along to The Dwarve’s MotherFucker song on the radio with Irene paranoidly recoiled as far as possible from him in her seat holding a lawn dart as a potential weapon] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a [repeatedly] Mo... [glances over at Irene looking paranoid] Whoa, whoa, whoa. [Turns off radio] What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'."

"[When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground] Well fuck my ozone."

"Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?"

"[After Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop] There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out. [Puts ticket on the windshield]"

"[To Irene] Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart."

"Ever been bitch slapped?"

"[After Dicky falls on Hank] Warden. I want my own cell."

"[Being chased by FBI agents] Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!"

"Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip."

"[To Irene] Name's Hank, Hank Evans; for little girls..."

"We just got a report that he put six bullets into a prize cow's head. Poor thing's lucky to be alive. [Charlie's sons look at each other; Lee Harvey raises an eyebrow]"

"[Referring to father Charlie/Hank to FBI agents] He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!"

"Man, how the hell can they call Pluto a planet?! No motherfucking planet has an elliptical orbit! This shit don't make no sense!"

"[On Charlie's new chin sporting a chin dimple] He sure is a Spartacus looking motherfucker!"

"I've seen it first-hand; the guy's nuttier than squirrel turds!"

"[Upon leaving gas station store and seeing Hank Evans urinating into the tank of his vehicle] Get your cock out of my Chrysler, you son of a bitch!"

"[To Charlie/Hank's sons after handcuffing him to door of patrol vehicle] I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna fuck him up!"

"[To FBI agents and police arrived to find him tied to tree with live chicken's head in rectum] Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass?"

"[Before ending credits] Thanks for watching our motherfucking movie!"

"Will you marry me, bitch?"

"Jim Carrey - Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans (the father of Triplets)"

"Renée Zellweger - Irene P. Waters, Charlie's 2nd wife (the stepmother of Triplets)"

"Chris Cooper - Lt. Gerke"

"Robert Forster - Colonel Partington"

"Richard Jenkins - Agent Boshane"

"Rob Moran - Trooper Finneran"

"Traylor Howard - Layla Baileygates, Charlie's 1st wife (the mother of Triplets)"

"Daniel Greene - Dickie Thurman"

"Zen Gesner - Agent Petersen"

"Tony Cox - Shonté Jackson, Layla's boyfriend"

"The Baileygates Triplets"

"Mike Cerrone - Officer Stubie"

"John-Eliot Jordan - Pizza Boy"

"Michael Bowman - Whitey/Casper/Milky"

"Rex Allen Jr. (voice) - Narrator"