Mallrats

"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck in your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy."

"You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talkin’ out of my ass, or stickin’ my hand in it."

"[about the break-up letter from Rene] Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for."

"[To Willam, still staring at the 3D art] I'll tell you what you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!"

"[after hitting LaFours over the head with a baseball bat] Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"[Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] Phase One: First, you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when Phase Two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and - bickety bam! - the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show."

"[Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there! And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogans."

"[referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro."

"They're not there to shop. - They're not there to work. - They're just there."

"Get Malled"

"It's mall or nothing"

"Superhero Anatomy! Topless Fortune Telling! Bunny Bashing! And More!"

"Shannen Doherty - Rene Mosier"

"Jeremy London - T.S. Quint"

"Jason Lee - Brodie Bruce"

"Claire Forlani - Brandi Svenning"

"Ben Affleck - Shannon Hamilton"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Gwen Turner"

"Renée Humphrey - Tricia Jones"

"Jason Mewes - Jay"

"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"

"Ethan Suplee - Willam Black"

"Stan Lee - Himself"

"Priscilla Barnes - Miss Ivannah"

"Michael Rooker - Mr. Jared Svenning"