Jay London

"(In a tone suggesting a reference to his upbringing) I was brought up on charges."

"So how do you like my overall look? (Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)"

"You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart."

"I get all my hair products at PetCo. (Jay's hair is long, curly, and quite messy)"

"You know what burns me? Matches."

"I was born nine months premature."

"I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me.""

"It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes."

"People read me but they don't subscribe."

"After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride."

"I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness."

"I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time."

"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."

"I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough."

"I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?""

"A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked."

"I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm."

"A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock."

"I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody."

"I go around slashing tire prices."

"I'm addicted to prescription glasses."

"I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights."

"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."

"I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling."

"I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger."

"I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else."

"I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast."

"I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."

"My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality."

"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."

"I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world."

"My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings."

"I saw a stationery store move."

"My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless."

"I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough."

"I model irregular clothing."

"I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop."

"I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road."

"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."

"People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults."

"I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job."

"At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?"

"Did you know that today will never be tomorrow."

"Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?"

"Take my life, please."

"Thank you."

"Am I bothering you, miss?"

"It'll be over soon, miss."

"Let me move over here. (Jay would then move barely a few inches to the left or right. He generally repeats this a few times per show)"

"Sir, would you please come up here and kick the shit out of me?"