Janeane Garofalo

"Now let's talk about Grover Norquist who really sort of embodies everything that is wrong with the type of mindset that dominates today's Republican party. He is a conservative strategist and he is the head of Americans for Tax Reform. He has also now unfortunately launched The Media Freedom Project. Now, as you know, they cleverly name things so they sound really good but what it means is IT WILL KILL YOU, metaphorically speaking. If Grover Norquist has launched The Media Freedom Project, you can bet what it means is this is going to be not unlike a communist politboro. So, for the last 30 years, as many of you may or may not know, the right-wing has tried to restructure society, restructure the economy, and to bring the government to an unresponsive place where it was pre-New Deal, pre-The Great Society, pre-social safety nets, pre-social justice issues, environmental protections, child labor laws, public health and safety, seat belts, birth control, voting rights, desegregation: these are all things that liberals and progressives have brought you, and these are all things that right-wingers and conservatives enjoy and take for granted. Yet they still say bleeding-heart-liberal or liberal, but without liberals we wouldn't have unions. We wouldn't have environmental protections. We wouldn't have seat belts or birth control or the ACLU! Any of these things! This is what liberals and progressives, whether they call themselves that or not, do. They've fought for it. They've died for it. They've gotten their asses kicked for it. So whenever anybody says liberals are wimps, please remind them that liberals and progressives have died and suffered grievous bodily harm to bring you all of the things politicians brag about, domestically and internationally. Grover Norquist wants to bring government back to the time of robber barons and (I don't even know what you call it) and uh, debtor prisons, and Social Darwinism, and before Upton Sinclair wrote The Jungle and we had uh, laws that prevented you from having fingers in your chili!"

"The reason the corporate media serves the Republican agenda so much is it means they don't have to work hard. They don't have to do anything. They don't have to do investigative journalism. They don't have to get into the dirty waters of speaking truth to power. If the corporate media continues to serve their Republican masters, then their job is easy peasy. It's nuttin'. You go to Matt Drudge. You go get some stuff from Karl Rove. You go to Grover Norquist meetings. You get the talking points. Easy peasy."

"There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'."

"It is not crazy to think that powerful people do some pretty horrible things. And maybe they get out of hand. Maybe it just gets away from them. It snowballs."

"Patriot Act is in fact a conspiracy of the 43d Reich."

"The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens...You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error."

"I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person — as the people in this room will attest."

"I think right about now I should answer some questions that are probably on your mind. You're probably thinking to yourself, 'Janeane, why are you not wearing the half-shirt that you're usually so fond of wearing? Because when we see you we like to see the half shirt.' You know I'm very fond of that and I'm fond of the low-slung jean and the thong, as you know. In fact when I go into a bar and I see ladies wearing the low-slung jeans and the half-shirts, I go up to them and say, 'On behalf of everyone here, thank you. Thank you!' 'Hey, pretty lady, are you wearing a thong? What a creative way to create favor with the opposite sex. That is so exciting. Let me understand the dynamic of the thong: so there's just a slender thread that just resides in your nether region for the better part of the day - just a string that rides in your anatomical hinterlands...it just hangs in there all day at work and then all day at the bar, so I can see how the gentlemen find that so exciting.'...Don't 'ooh' me, I'm not the one with the thong!"

"The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much."

"But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart."

"No no no! Don't clap! No no no, you make me seem like I'm like a prophet or something and I'm so not!"

"Nationalism and patriotism in the wrong hands will destroy lives, it really will, because I'll tell you something: it takes a village to ruin a child. I think we've proven that time and time again in this country."

"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."

"And here's some legislation: Thank the good lord that this passed before the break for vaycay. No cloning! No cloning! Urgent! Big red rubber stamper! Let's get this out of the way! Let's deal with this! The no cloning issue. Uhm, I wasn't really worried about it. I don't know about anybody else, but it really wasn't keeping me up nights. I think I'll worry about it when we finally get our jetpacks and our food pills for five course meals. I think then we'll deal with that because I think during Roddenberry times we were promised those two things and I haven't seen them, but just in case that wasn't enough for you, for Congress to get involved, the Vatican had something to say about it. The Vatican Counsel met, and I took this out of the New York Times, here's what they said after a big meeting, " 'Human cloning would not lead to identical souls because only God can create a soul,' a panel set up by Pope John Paul has concluded." Right on! They also took care of a couple other things that were burning issues. Apparently Trix are indeed for kids, and one other thing. After much deliberation it has been decided that no you cannot tackle the kid after he releases the ball in Smear The Queer. Can't do it. So we got that out of the way."

"You see the objectification of women on men's magazines all the time. I accept that, they're trying to move a product. What I don't get is when I walk past a cover of Mademoiselle magazine and I'm like, 'Do you want to fuck me, Heather Graham? Because it looks like you want to fuck me, Heather Graham, and I don't really understand why you have that look on your face, wearing almost nothing on the cover of a women's magazine. Oh, hey, Sarah Jessica Parker! Do you want to fuck me too on the cover of Marie Claire? Because it looks like you like me. I don't know why you're looking at me like that, but I certainly now want to buy this empowering women's magazine."

"Let me just stress that I'm not anti-religion. I know what it's like to be spiritual. I know what it's like to try and think of these things. Now after much deliberation in my thirty-second year of life, I feel that I am not religious. I feel secular and drawn to science. I don't believe. And I'm not saying that's good bad or indifferent. I am not better than anyone who believes. I realize the need in the human condition to feel that there is a being that does things for you and will take care and all that kind of thing. I understand it. I respect you for it. So the thing that kills me though when it comes to religion is very few religious people will refuse to allow you to have your opinion. They will boycott you, they will write a letter, they are allowed to scream from the mountain tops what they believe in. You are not allowed that same thing, you are just wrong, that's all there is to it. It's interesting that when you come from that perspective and you think about what's going on in the world geopolitically and religious-wise whether it's the Taliban fighters, the Muellas, the protestants, the Irish, the Israeli Palestinian conflict. If you are not religious you kind of see it as just insanity and I realize that their issues are not just religious based, but they are about sovereignty and things of that nature but it all goes back to the fact that these seeds were planted on these books. The books of religions which are beautiful works of fiction. They're just lovely. I mean somebody's a great writer. I-- You don't have to applaud that I'm just saying these guys are great writers these guys who wrote and added addendums to suit their fancies and made arbitrary rules these guys are great writers, but the important thing being that we keep the women in the back seat. That's the main gist of all religions because we're scared of the vagina. Somehow it all leads to fear of the vagina. I can hear the typewriters clicking as we speak. So the thing is if you see these books this way and I respect that you may not see them that way, it's like as if in this country we were fighting over Grisham novels, or we had declared the Bridges of Madison County sacred ground whereupon nobody builds. Nobody builds."

"Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry but don't anybody trip on my soap box on the way out. Don't anybody trip over that. And the chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now."

"To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first."

"I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day."

"[Conservative talk radio hosts] have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian."

"You know what is good about these Dixie Chicks burnings or bashings? It's a wonderful, wonderful way for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages."

"There's always [on women's magazines] that great photo of the actress or model lifting up her shirt just to show you the bone structure and the six-pack of her own. It's almost like when horses are auctioned and they show you their teeth. 'Am I good enough?'"

"All roads lead to my dogs, don't they?"

"When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.'"

"Hey, who wants to hear the stories about my ruptured ovarian cysts? Do you? It's great. It is a story that has been passed down from generation to generation and we love it. So here's the story. I was looping a film, and I sneezed, and passed out. They thought I had appendicitis so they took me to the hospital, but as it turns out, I had ruptured a series of ovarian cysts that unbeknownst to me were residing in my area, and as you know if you've seen me work before I still have the 'don't ask don't tell' policy with my vagina. I don't bother it. It- She. She minds her own beeswax. I stay up here. She doesn't sass me. You know no back talk. None of that. She's not flippant at all with me. So we had to find out about my cyst by having a very thorough exam by the gynecologist. Again, another cure for hubris if you're suffering from that. Whilst he's down there, he peers up from between my knees and goes 'you know my wife and I... LOVE you on The Larry Sanders Show!' And I was like 'That is so great and now I think you can enjoy it on a whole 'nother level, you and your wife!' And with that I left the office, and the thing is is that I've noticed is that I get recognized rarely but only at inconvenient times when it would be not good to be recognized. There is- uhm.. Whenever I'm coming out of a public restroom. Usually Starbucks, go figure. I don't know why but inevitably someone will be like a fan out of the restroom but let me say this and you know I don't like to work blue and this next theory is not for the squeamish but let me just say this. I'll put it this way. The person who was in the bathroom prior to me? Let's say, compromised the integrity of the room? Shall we say? Kind of had their way with the bowl. And hey man I know the stall she is a harsh mistress sometimes. I know that. I'm no stranger to the fight but, it's not me! You know? And so it's like the person ahead of me who shows no respect and, I'll come out and the person's about to go in and I'm just like 'aw man.' Because you know they're gonna say, 'I saw the girl I don't know what her name is but that girl, she stinks!'"

"It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'"

"You know George W. Bush is a war-time president, he says - proudly. Guess what. War is failure! When you are at war, you have failed! When you have gone to a war of choice and lied about it, you're a double-triple, triple-quadruple failure! Or a warlord. It's called a warlord in other countries. A war time president here. One man's ceiling I guess is another man's floor. George Bush is a warlord. He's a failure!"

"Anybody who French bashes just might as well wear a badge that says 'I am a follower! I don't think for myself and I have no idea what I'm talking about.' That would be a French basher."

"To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that."

"Unbelievable! Unbelieveable! No stem-cell research. Can't have stem-cell research. Can't have reproductive rights. But by God we can bomb the shite out of anybody in the world! And we can have policies that are put forth by the World Trade Organization, and the International Monetary Fund, and the World Bank, and CAFTA and NAFTA that will destroy lives. That will destroy the environment. That will harm fetal development. I mean is it not insanity? Is it not so obvious at this point to some people, to most people rather that this Bush administration is now uh- comically! comically uhm --I don't even know what the word is! I can't think of the word! I can't think of words!"

"The majority of Americans, there is no doubt about it, they support a woman's right to choose. They support the separation of church and state. They support environmental protections. They support laws that regulate business, because remember deregulation is essentially lawlessness. And the bankruptcy bill and the energy bill that the Bush administration has pushed are gifts to big business and the majority of Americans, if they were to understand that, if their news media did their job, they wouldn't support it. They just wouldn't. And also they are just too busy in the course of a day, living their lives, and putting their kids through school, and putting food on the table, to hate gay people and black people and women enough, and to pray for the end of days enough, as the Bush administration would like them to. As you know there's a number of lawsuits filed against No Child Left Behind because the government has required that schools adhere to No Child Left Behind, yet haven't funded it! Of course they haven't! Of course they haven't, because the Bush regime doesn't believe in funding education because if you fund education you will have a more educated populace. If you have a more educated populace, you will have critical thinking. If you have critical thinking, you cannot push this agenda that they have and you won't have as many people that are so willing to serve in the armed forces for Dick Cheney. Y'know, if you have a more educated, knowledgable, critically-thinking populace, they will be less willing to fight and die for Dick Cheney! You know it really is that simple. And most people join the army, navy, air force, marines, to pay for their education, to better themselves, to see the world. That is fine, but if the young people are joining the armed forces to protect democracy, you gotta stay here! Because we need that here. We are losing democracy all the time under the Bush regime and Theocracy, where it will be fine, but it's just gonna take awhile."

"The new Republican party. Accountability last. If ever. That is the Republican party. Now I am confident we progressives, we liberals, can change this, but it's gonna take a lot of work and we can hustle it along faster: you know the universe does tilt towards justice eventually, but we can make it tilt faster if we continue to work together in Democratic circles, liberal circles, progressive circles, libertarian circles, and true conservative circles to try and change the type of people we elect and the type of news media we have and the type of pundits we allow to pollute our airwaves. Myself included. I shouldn't be a pundit. I don't know why I am, but they asked me to, and once your name is in the rolodex, you're in. So sometimes I go on -yeah I stink. I'm a stinky pundit! ...well, compared to the pundits they have I'm fantastic! But in the real world, I stink, and should not be a pundit."

"...because we don't have a Fairness Doctrine, and because we have further media consolidation, and because we have a craptastic corporate media, WE DON'T HAVE NEWS! We don't have an informed populous and we don't have a democracy... Everyone in the world knows that America, (in its current state, because of right-wingers) that the right wing arm of this country (that speaks for this country unfortunately) has no credibility when it comes to human rights or independent media."

"Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins...and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top."

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area."

"I think that by staying out of shape at the age of 33 I'm doing myself a huge favor for my future. There will never be anyone commenting on how I've 'let myself go.' I've gone. It's gone. It's not going, it's GONE."

"Many people feel that mass acceptance and smooth socialization are desirable life paths for a young adult... Many people are often wrong... Don't bother being nice. Being popular and well liked is not in your best interest. Let me be more clear; if you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in."

"I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns."