Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

"My Spanish name is El Mucho Ding-Dong."

"I may be too old to stir the gravy but I'm still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure! [Chuckles]"

"[While making a ham sandwich in the store] Now, let's get some damn mustard."

"[To Billy at the diner] I think all this bacon is getting to Grandpa. [Farts]"

"I might be too old to fry the rice, but I can still chop the suey, that's for sure."

"Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir? I don't expect you to understand but I have my penis stuck in the soda machine!"

"[About his deceased wife] She was a pain in my ass when we were married and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass!"

"[To a fast-food outlet employee] We need some chickens and a big side of poontang! [Laughs]"

"[Upon hearing his wife had died] Oh. I thought she'd *never* die!"

"You are hotter than a Puerto Rican picnic."

"Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference."

"I love chocolate! He's harder than a horseshoe!"

"[To moving truck crew after they helped load his grandmother's corpse into his grandpa's trunk] Thanks for the crime!"

"[After Irving defecates on the restaurant wall] EW, GRANDPA, YOU SHARTED !"

"Grandpa, I'm fuckin' wasted."

"[To a random man on the street] You're my dad. High five, Dad!"

"Johnny Knoxville - Irving Zisman"

"Jackson Nicoll - Billy"

"Greg Harris - Chuck Muskie"

"Georgina Cates - Kimmie Zisman"

"Kamber Hejlik - Doctor"

"Jill Kill - Pageant Reporter"

"Madison Davis - Juggalo Girl"

"George Faughnan - Juggalo Guy"

"Grasie Mercedes - Hostess"

"Marilynn Allain - Receptionist"

"Jack Polick - Funeral Worker"

"Spike Jonze - Gloria"

"Catherine Keener - Ellie Zisman"