Henny Youngman

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

"Take my wife - please!"

"Business was so bad the other night the orchestra was playing "Tea for One.""

"My first Hollywood picture wasn't released, it escaped."

"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother,"

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

"My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator."

"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

"My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake."

"My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea."

"My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree."