Charlie Sheen

"Charlie Sheen has been getting more air time recently than the president of the United States, the conflicts in the Middle East and the winners of the Academy Awards. Combined. And for good reason — he gives better quotes."

"I’m grandiose. Because I live a grandiose life. I’m not 'aw shucks' … because I'm gnarly. (The Howard Stern Show)"

"I wish people would shift that focus on to themselves and their own family and their own friends and just maybe spend a little more time on their home front. And not some distant planet that is me."

"I'm on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front."

"I'm still alive, which is pretty cool."

"People that aren't special, people that don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA (The Today Show)"

"I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That's how I describe myself." (Piers Morgan Tonight)"

"It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view."

"I didn’t really believe I had "tiger blood" or "Adonis DNA." These were just jokes."

"(on his firing from Two and a Half Men) I would have fired my ass too. Well, maybe not like they did."

"(on Ashton Kutcher) It's hard to give advice to a guy that accomplished. I would just give him a hug and just say, "Make me proud, dude.""

"The scales of justice are in disarray[...]"

"Dan Raad means Business..."

"...from some distant memory as she stood there before you."

"We need to hack up the person responsible for this bad connection....hack him up in front of his children. We need to cut off his face and wear it and go on a really tightly budgeted shopping spree in stores that don't exist yet."

"It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like droopy-eyed armless children."

"I expose people to magic, I expose them to something they're never otherwise going to see in their boring normal lives."

"I don't believe in rock bottom. Rock bottom is like a fishing term."

"They were like 'AA this' and I was like 'Bye bye that'"

"Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it this way."

"Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber. (The TMZ Show)"

"I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching, a total … rock star from Mars, and people can't figure me out; they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain. (The Today Show)"

"Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed."

"I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

"They're trying to destroy my family, so I take great umbrage with that. And defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock."

"There’s been a tsunami of media, and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard."

"I didn't want to have my wife in the movie fucked by Robert Redford. Besides, to show, in the end, that the million dollars didn't mean anything to the guy by having him buy at an auction an elephant, or whatever the fuck it was, for a million bucks? I mean, the millionaire's already fucked your wife, man, keep the fucking cash!"

""The Goddesses"? I don't believe the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best choice available."

"He Lenny Dykstra] might be Nails, but I'm frickin' bayonets."

"I'm so tired of pretending my life isn't perfect and bitching and just winning every second."

"I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee."

"I don't have time for these clowns. I don't have time for their judgement and their stupidity. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then look at me and they say 'I can't process it'. Well no, and you never will. Stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show."

"I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips."

"Most of the time—and this includes naps—I'm an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air, and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground."

"You borrow my brain for 5 seconds, and just be like "Dude, can't handle it, unplug this bastard", because it fires in a way that is, I don't know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."

"(on whether he is bipolar.) Wow, what does that mean? … What's the cure? Medicine? Make me like them? Not going to happen. I'm bi-WINNING! I win here and I win there. Now what?"

"I probably took more than anybody could survive. … I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear, GO!. … I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. … Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs."

"I blinked and I cured my brain."

"Can't is the cancer of happen."

"You don't pay prostitutes to come to your house; you pay them to leave."