"Please, try to understand. I don't have the background for this. I mean, the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window!"

"Don't mind Lou - he's only the second generation in his family to stand up straight."

"Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."

"I don't know. I can't figure women out. Today, they're... independent. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa - she used to scream out her own name!"

"Mary Gross - Jackie"

"[handing a fireman, Dave, a newspaper clipping] Read this, pal, and weep: "Paradise for pennies...a Garden of Eden, built on a secluded lagoon with its own private dock and speedboat included. Contact Mr. Banks, St. Nicholas.""

"I heard about this guy in Cicero, well he stiffed a loanshark, so a couple of these guys got him, cut off his arm, beat him to death with the arm, and shoved it in a food processor and made a dip out of it. Then they served it to his family at his sister's wedding. And the sister loved it so much, she wanted the recipe. It's a crazy world, isn't it?"

"Last time I smoked that stuff, they found me on top of the Sears Tower trying to build a nest."

"[to Ernest Reed, the owner of Club Paradise, during a storm] Oh, sure! Go start a revolution. It's not gonna look good on your resumé, you know!"

"[yelling at Ernest] Oh Yeah! Rattan's gonna make a nice bulletproof barricade! Why don't you just build yourself a Wicker tank??"

"[to his girlfriend Phillipa Lloyd ("Miss Philadelphia") after being released from jail] Babe, this is the only country in the world where the constitution is written in pencil."

"[creating a new slogan for his club] Club Paradise. Your Hot Spot For Fun With Guns in the Sun."

"I ain't one for these songs! I have my own songs—I'm not doing these songs."

"There's a sickness in this place, and I'm the doctor. It's time to operate!"

"[during a polo game] Sol, the boys are back. Our ship has come in. Now we've gotta deliver."

"Gentlemen, I just spoke to the owner of Club Paradise, and believe me, he is dying to sell."

"Forget this place. You guys are gonna love the Caymans!"

"[after hearing Jack's name] Moniker? What kind of a name is "Moniker"?"

"I will crush Ernest Reed!"

"I will eat his bones!"

"I'd like to thank you and ask that you remain seated, with your seatbelts securely fastened until the aircraft has come to a complete... [buzzer interrupts his announcement] Brake pressure!"

"Robin Williams - Jack Moniker"

"Peter O'Toole - Governor Anthony Croyden Hayes"

"Rick Moranis - Barry Nye"

"Jimmy Cliff - Ernest Reed"

"Twiggy - Phillipa "Philadelphia" Lloyd"

"Adolph Caesar - Prime Minister Solomon Gundy (final film role)"

"Eugene Levy - Barry Steinberg"

"Joanna Cassidy - Terry Hamlin"

"Andrea Martin - Linda White"

"Brian Doyle-Murray - Voit Zerbe"

"Joe Flaherty - Pilot"

"Steven Kampmann - Dr. Randy White"

"Robin Duke - Mary Lou"

"Simon Jones - Toby Prooth"

"Louise Bennett - Portia"

"Ansel "Double Barrel" Collins - Flamboyant (Ernest Reed's band)"

"Earl "Chinna" Smith - Flamboyant (Ernest Reed's band)"