"TO ME, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.""

"I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records."

"MAYBE in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."

"IF YOU GO through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance."

"IF YOU ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone."

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man."

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.""

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it."

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

"There's somethin' about singing, that is the business! You sing, women go crazy! 'Cause Mick Jagger is an ugly idiot...with big lips! Mick Jagger's lips so big, black people be goin', 'He got some big lips! These are big lips!'"

"(Impersonating his father ranting drunkenly at the cookout) I'll tell you somethin'! You can take your hairy, fat moustache out the heck!! You can go upstairs and get the dog and scoop up the trash, and take Eddie and get these long, Angela Davis afro-wearin' kids of yours and put them in the guni-gugu-mobile and get out!!"

"A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with rubbish sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit."

"(Impersonating his father, drunk at the family cookout) Gus?! What is wrong with your wife?! Why can't she walk a flight of steps?! You come here every year, Gus, and you burn down my backyard, and your wife rips down the steps! Why?! I work hard to get my place beautiful! And then the bully come over and rip the steps down! Look at the steps, they're messed up, Gus! Why can't she walk the steps? You know why she can't walk the steps? 'Cause she's a fat, hairy idiot!!"

"(Impersonating an angry fan) 'I heard that, man! That wasn't funny! Then I suppose at the end of your little sketch, Stevie crashed into a tree, right? Ha ha, very funny, meanie! Your buddy got a wooden leg with a kick-stand, idiot! Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and the chew like this! (Nods his head up and down)"

"(About Stevie Wonder) I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago. I said, 'Look, Steve, I get too much flak over this impression. I don't like doin' it, I ain't doin' this calamity no more.' Stevie said, 'Well, I feel that...' I said, 'Shut up, Steve.' 'Cause you've gotta cut Steve off, 'cause if he get a roll goin' he'll talk your ears off! You ever see Steve win a Grammy and go up and give one of them long acceptance speeches? They say, 'And the winner is Stevie Wonder!' Stevie be goin, 'I'd just like to say...all the people in the world today...God's children...' 'Look, just take the award and get out!' 'Cause the credits be rollin' and Stevie be up there goin' 'And I'd like to thank...' I be in the car, I just said 'Shut up, Steve. I'm tellin' you, you a genius and all that stuff, but you my boy, man, we hangin', man. It's nice and stuff, but I don't appreciate all the flak. And personally, the piano and the singin' and all that, I told you how I feel about singin' man, I ain't impressed. You wanna impress me, take the wheel for a while, idiot!'"

"You don't even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. 'Cause James Brown's been singin' 30 years. I don't know what James is talkin' about!"

"Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good lookin' guy - but ain't the most masculine fellow in the world."

"I have nothing against weirdos. I think an orgasm is your thing, and you should forget whoever you feel like forgetting. Whoever makes you cum the hardest. Anybody who says you shouldn't, politely tell them to mind their own business."

"If I were a better artist, I'd be a painter, and if I were a better writer, I'd write books — but I'm not, so I draw cartoons!"

"It seems beyond the comprehension of people that someone can be born to draw comic strips, but I think I was. My ambition from earliest memory was to produce a daily comic strip."

"A cartoonist is someone who has to draw the same thing day after day without repeating himself."

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today ...... It's already tomorrow in Australia."

"The only thing I really ever wanted to be was a cartoonist. That's my life. Drawing."

"I just draw what I think is funny, and I hope other people think it is funny, too."

"I never give my work to somebody else and say, "What do you think about that?" I just don't trust anybody. If I think it's funny, or if I think it's silly, I send it in anyway because I'm just trying to please myself. I never try to please a certain audience. I think that's disastrous. There's no way in the world you can anticipate what your reader is going to like or dislike."

"So much of what we do is ephemeral and quickly forgotten, even by ourselves, so it's gratifying to have something you have done linger in people's memories."

"Without John Williams, bikes don’t really fly, nor do brooms in Quidditch matches, nor do men in red capes. There is no Force, dinosaurs do not walk the Earth, we do not wonder, we do not weep, we do not believe."

"Leroy Anderson is an American original - direct, honest, personal, idiosyncratic, and free of pretension. His music is directed to, and reflective of, the American soul."

"I hadn't heard of either disco or Meco. When I was asked to listen to Meco's now-famous recording, I was a little apprehensive, wondering how a pop record could be made from "The March from Star Wars" and what it would be like. I immediately liked what I heard and sensed that a genuine communication was taking place. Meco took things forward another step by bringing Star Wars to a vast audience who otherwise would not have heard it in its original symphonic setting. I am most grateful to Meco for all of this and I am delighted that 'disco' and 'Meco' are now household words."

"There’s a very basic human, non-verbal aspect to our need to make music and use it as part of our human expression. It doesn’t have to do with body movements, it doesn't have to do with articulation of a language, but with something spiritual."

"I like to try new things. I like to go new places and I like to work with new people. That’s sort of the definition of my job. As an actor, you just go where the work is, right."

"The '80s to me, more than anything else, represents a time of real criminal activity in the office of the president: an incredibly disparate economy in terms of the class distinctions and whatnot, and a tremendous shallowness—a lot of sort of bank robbery by executives. This is the '80s to me. And a lot of synthesizer music. And, of course, Madonna and the beginning of MTV."

"What she doesn't say is just as important as what she does say -- but there's so much more of it. I think from now on I'm going to stick to what she actually does say because I don't have that kind of time."

"I hate going to funerals because I'm not a mourning person."