People From Florida

"But more overt sexual aggression may be the product of something few will acknowledge, at least on the record: Resentment. Off the record, in dozens of interviews over a period of years, male soldiers and officers have confided that many men resent women because they've been forced to pretend that women are equals, and men know they're not."

"We love to boast that we are a nation of immigrants — and we are. But there's a different sense of America among those who trace their bloodlines back through generations of sacrifice."

"The investment banks should either choose to be regulated as banks or should arrange to conduct their affairs to not require the stop-gap support of the Federal Reserve."

"Every organization has two choices. Choice one is to grow. Choice two is to die. If you decide not to grow, it's a clear-cut message to talented people that it's time to leave."

"We're subject to the same forces of capitalism that have built the entire American economy. Strong returns induce more capital flow, which creates more competitors, and you have to evolve and get better, or you die."

"We all know that great leaders can create great successes...success for the Chicago public education fund is to bring great leaders into Chicago's public schools."

"The ability to create same day straight through processing of mutual fund trades is a matter of will."

"Size is a double-edged sword with great advantages and disadvantages.."

"...there won’t be one, single global market. But there will be global investors."

"...my advice to every student who is trying to make a decision for the years immediately after graduation: take the opportunity that in your mind is the most rewarding, that you are most passionate about and that you find most interesting and save the rest of your life for being risk averse. Whatever you want to do, this is the time to pursue it. Twenty years from now, your freedom to take risks will be limited."

"Capital markets reward you for what you learn that other people have yet to ascertain."

"Risk is what you make of it."

"Thank you...San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you...for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of."

"I'm all for illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't have to serve on jury duty. That's horseshit. It should be the other way around. They should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yeah, then, then, it would truly be a jury of one's own peers. [Some of the audience groans] It's not a stereotype if it's always true. Yeah, then it becomes law. That joke was called, "Latinos are criminals.""

"The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing: you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo," and she'd reply, "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street."

"You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!""

"I put a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there. We hate snakes. We think they're slimy even though we know they're not."

"I can say that. I have a television show."

"I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every woman I have been with has told me, so I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a "birds and bees" talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son. Listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon." What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling, "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?""

"[On looters stealing VCR's] Why are you stealing a VCR? They don't even make VHS tapes anymore! I'd steal a TiVo...but I don't, because I'm rich, and I've had one for three years. I would say four years, but that won't make the joke any funnier. You tell people, "I've had a TiVo for four years," and they're all like, "Who's the dick?""

"You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!"

"Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her..."

"Am I the only one who thinks that David Beckham should film a sex scene with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but get it done before one of them is past their prime. Can you imagine those two making love? If there is not a man in here who's junk doesn't even wiggle at the thought of it, and this has nothing to do with your homophobic beliefs. At that level, it's art, you monkey! You should feel privileged that you get to breathe the same air as those Greek gods!"

"Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's like, "Whatever, queer.""

"I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun."

"I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet, and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic was killed instantly. Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part of the joke...the bracelets are working!"

"Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on TV, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch TV."

"Before I get started tonight, sorry in advance if I offend anyone. It's not my job to know what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. It's how I know I still have one."

"I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake... We have shows like Extreme Make-Over. "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.""

"God doesn't hate gays. He's just upset that they found a loophole in the system."

"Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.""

"You are a sick freak who should be beaten."

"Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree... I don't have a joke for that yet. But when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!""

"A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care."

"You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea."

"I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed."

"I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house..."

"The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. 'Cause Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say, "Well, come on, number 8 was the rapist. Number 24 has a great work ethic and an unblockable turnaround.""

"Have you heard about the kid who lost his head at Six Flags? The first time I read it, I thought, "Oh my God...How can I make this funny for everybody?" ...Here goes. What happened was, he was in a church youth group and he lost his hat during the roller coaster. Afterwards, he was like, "I'm going to go get my hat." And there was a big fence with signs that said, "Hey, cut your losses." And he was like, "What? Have you SEEN me in that hat? Not today, fence!" So he climbed that fence, and then there was another fence with a sign that probably said, "Hey, come on, knock it off." He was like, "You can't tell me how to live, signs!" And he climbed over that fence and there, the story ends. Did he get the hat? I'd like to think he did. That small silver lining, "Hey, I got my hat!" Then, whack! Right then. And I know he was on a church youth group and they don't believe in evolution, but that kid was going to get picked off sooner or later."

"I came up with my own expression. I like to "make it hail". Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. [Mimes throwing change] "Ow! Were those nickels?" Yeah, it's a down economy, I'm a baller on a budget, bitch!"

"Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep."

"You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call BS. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40-degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fucking fishin'.""

"The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?"

"Babies aren't dishwasher-safe."

"You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream."

"We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure. As soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?"

"Have you ever taken a post-shower shit? Augh! Might as well go back to bed, start your whole day over."

"Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that."

"Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult."

"Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here [points to head] but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A.M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon."