"This fuckin' lady! Now I don't usually like it when a girl looks me right in the eye, and this girl does that a lot. But I don't know what it is about her, when she does it, I don't mind. I just look right back at her, and pretty soon, I'm hard as a fuckin' rock. It's like she knows what I'm thinkin', or I know what she's thinkin'. I don't know, it's a two-way thing. Fuckin' love it! And I don't mean love like, oh I love her or wanna marry her, definitely not thinkin' about all that shit. And she's not either... she can't. I guess I just mean love like, you know like... we're making love. And while we're doing it, all the bullshit does fade away, and it's just me and her right there, and yeah I do lose myself in her. And I can tell she's losing herself in me. And we're just fuckin'... lost together."

"See? This is what I'm sayin; real pussy is good, but, I'm sorry, it's not as good as porn. Tits? Great. Ass? Great. Blowjob? Sure, it's fuckin' fantastic in person-if she'll do it. But in real life, if you wanna get head, you gotta give head. And I know, some guys love eating pussy, but the thing about those guys is THEY'RE FUCKIN' CRAZY! Don't get me wrong, I like a good pussy eating clip, but from down here, there's nothing good about this. And if she finally does decide to do you the big favor...she's in a fuckin' hurry. Now, when it comes to the actual fucking, first of all, condoms are terrible, they just are! But, you gotta wear one, 'cause, unlike porn, real pussy can kill you. Second of all, missionary is the worst position in all of fucking! The tits lie flat, you can't see her ass-you can't really touch her ass, 'cause she's lyin' on her back. They don't want to do it from behind, 'cause they wanna look at you. Basically, it's all me doin' all the work. Money shot? No, there is no real life Money shot! Real girls won't do that shit! You just cum through the fuckin' condom! So, you tell me: which looks better? This? [a clip of him having sex with a girl] Or THIS? [a clip of his porn]"

"Brie Larson - Monica Martello"

"Scarlett Johansson - Barbara Sugarman"

"Julianne Moore - Esther"

"Paul Ben-Victor - Priest (Voice)"

"Rob Brown - Bobby"

"[dry-humping Jon] 'Cause I don't know what that would mean, you know?... I don't wanna do anything unless it means something... Don't you think it's always better when it means something?...You'd be so sexy in a real job... so what'd ya say? You, me and our friends go out sometime?... And our families meet... huh, yeah?... And you take one class for me, baby? One little class? Huh? Yeah? Yeah?... and after that, are you gonna fuck me in my tight ass, baby? Please?...and maybe come in my face?... Huh, Jon? You wanna come at my face?... then come on baby, cum for me! Cum, cum, cum..."

"Glenne Headly - Angela Martello"

"[as his computer chimes while turning on] Yeah. Not gonna lie. This sound - gets me hard as a fuckin' rock. But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat. Yeah, I'd rather work my way into it, nice and easy. So I start off with some stills. Then, once I'm gettin' into it, I start lookin' for a video. I never actually touch my cock til I find the right clip. Then, once I do, goodbye. For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away and the only thing in the world is those tits, dat ass, the blowjob... the cowboy, the doggie, the money shot and that's it. I don't gotta say anything, I don't gotta do anything. I just fuckin' lose myself. There's only a few things I really care about in life. My body. My pad. My ride. My family. My church. My boys. My girls. And my porn. I know, the last one sounds weird, but I'm just bein' honest. Nothin' else does it for me the same way, not even real pussy. And...why do you think my boys call me 'The Don'?""

"Jack Huston - Pete Musane"

"She was the Picasso of passive-aggressive karate."

"Robert De Niro - Victor Tellegio"

"I felt like we had a secret, just the two of us. Like that thing where you just wanna be with one person all the time. You feel like the two of you get something no one else gets."

"You're nothing to me until you're everything."

"Paul Herman - Alfonse Simone"

"Shea Whigham - Carl Elway"

"Michael Peña - Paco Hernandez/Sheik Abdullah"

"Alessandro Nivola - Anthony Amado"

"Jennifer Lawrence - Rosalyn Rosenfeld"

"Louis C.K. - Stoddard Thorsen"

"Elisabeth Röhm - Dolly Polito"

"Bradley Cooper - FBI Agent Richard "Richie" DiMaso"

"Amy Adams - Sydney Prosser/Lady Edith Greensly"

"We fight and then we fuck, that's our thing."

"That's why I sent them [Mafia Henchmen] over there, because I know they were gonna knock some sense into you, and you were going to come up with a plan to get us out of all this. So thank God for me."

"Jeremy Renner - Mayor Carmine Polito"

"The car is a total wreck, and I'm a little stiff. But I don't want to talk about it."

"Christian Bale - Irving Rosenfeld"

"Karen Akers - Kitty Haynes"

"Milo O'Shea - Father Donnelly"

"Dianne Wiest - Emma"

"Van Johnson - Larry Wilde"

"John Wood - Jason"

"Deborah Rush - Rita"

"Zoe Caldwell - The Countess"

"Jeff Daniels - Tom Baxter/Gil Shepherd"

"Danny Aiello - Monk"

"Edward Herrmann - Henry"

"Mia Farrow - Cecilia"

"I just met a wonderful new man. He's fictional but you can't have everything."

"It's so impulsive, but... I'll come. Why not? What's life without a little risk taking? Who knows?"

"Life's too short to spend time thinking about life. Let's just live it!"

"I don't get hurt or bleed, hair doesn't muss; it's one of the advantages of being imaginary."

"Moviegoer: I want what happened in the movie last week to happen this week; otherwise, what's life all about anyway?"

"Raise your hand if your brother's a homo!"

"You’ll always be fat to me, Chris!"

"I mean, listen, I know it might sound a little corny, maybe even a little femme, but I find something so resplendent in the simplicity of Nicholas Sparks' writing, you know what I mean? [Looks at Chris's completely feminine Christmas sweater] Nice outfit, by the way. Rock and roll."

"Wait a minute, am I being Punk'D? Oh my god! Ashton, you really got me! Ha Ha! Ashton! Ashton?"

"So that's why she went with Dusty. She wants a sensitive guy... more like the old me. Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers, then I'm going to show her the biggest pussy she's ever seen."