"Deacon: [After getting covered in Stacey's feces during an anal sex scene] Can you believe this shit?! That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!"

"Elizabeth Banks - Miriam "Miri" Linky"

"Delaney: What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!"

"I don't want to be with anyone but you, so I will wait forever for you, okay? I will wait the rest of my life, because I love you, and I have for as long as I can remember, and I would rather die than be without you, Miriam Linky."

"Jeff Anderson - Deacon Anderson"

"[To Lester nude in the kitchen] Sorry to change the subject on you, Lester, but if you're not fucking Miri, why is your dick out right now?"

"Lester: [To Zack in the kitchen] Don't know what a Dutch rudder...? All right, you grab your dick, then you have someone else work your arm. Here, let me show you. All right, grab my arm. I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm. Now work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Work it up and down. It's like someone else is jerking you off. Okay. There's the double Dutch rudder, which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, I work your arm, same time. It's like jerking off together but not gay. We're not touching dicks, each other's dicks anyway. I'm touching my own dick. You're working it, and I'm loving it. It feels good, sir. Try me, come on."

"We are gonna launch arcing ropes of jism all over this motherfucker! Peace!"

"[Repeated line] Let us fuck!"

"Porn has gone mainstream! It's like Coke or Pepsi with dicks in it. Look at Paris Hilton. She throatfucks a guy in night-vision, now she's selling fragrances to teens! And I'm pretty sure she's legally retarded!"

"David Early - Auditioner"

"Kenny Hotz - Zack "Zack II" Knutson"

"Jennifer Schwalbach - Betsy"

"Gerry Bednob - Mr. Surya"

"Tom Savini - Jenkins"

"Brandon Routh - Robert "Bobby" Long"

"Tyler Labine - Drunk Willy"

"Justin Long - Brandon St. Randy"

"Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild? That guy is the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world and he has a jet and a fucking island."

"Katie Morgan - Stacey"

"Tisha Campbell-Martin - Angelina"

"Ricky Mabe - Barry"

"Jason Lee - Lance Dowds"

"Jennifer Schwalbach Smith - Emma"

"Who would be friends with me? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me."

"You never go ass to mouth!"

"You're my best friend and I love you, in a totally heterosexual way. Please don't leave me."

"What'd you do that for?! You realise he just thinks you're trying to get him into a three-way with us now, don't you?"

"Man, you must love this fucking guy, 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the fucking insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about and even Anne-fucking-Frank can see that she's nuts about him—God knows why. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking C.H.U.D. of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass."

"What's the point of having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?"

"You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places sellin' weed 'n shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals 'n shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... I'd be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form... and fuck it. And people'd be, like, "There he goes; homeboy fucked a Martian once.""

"All right look, there's only one "Return", okạy, and it ain't of the King. It's of the Jedi."

"One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sake! Criminology! Who the fuck were we studying to be; Batman?"

"Jeff Anderson - Randal"

"Rosario Dawson - Becky"

"Trevor Fehrman - Elias"

"Brian O'Halloran - Dante"

"At Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!"

"I'm telling you this only because I'm your friend... Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth."

"Jason Mewes - Jay"