"And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a ballon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people."

"If these two men are gay then I'm a one-legged parrot. Anybody see me with a crutch and a cracker?"

"[When Chuck says he and Larry have always been together, in reference to their shifts in the fire department] So were my balls. Now I only have one of them."

"Amanda Peet — Judith Fessbeggler-Lefessier, Wayne’s wife"

"And a beer bong for the lady?"

"Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky. Young lady, so horny, so impatient...Oh, scrotum!"

"There's no fight left in you boys. You're nutless. You been pussified."

"They swore nothing could come between them. Then she came along."

"From the director of "Big Daddy"."

"2 Best Friends + 1 Girlfriend = WAR"

"They swore nothing would come between them. Then evil walked in the door"

"They've sworn to save Silverman."

"Jason Biggs — Darren Silverman"

"Steve Zahn — Wayne Lefessier"

"Jack Black — J.D. McNugent"

"Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho."

"R. Lee Ermey — Coach Norton, J.D.’s husband"

"Amanda Detmer — Sandy Perkus-Silverman, Darren’s wife"

"Neil Diamond — Himself"

"Kyle Gass — Bar Guy"

"[arm wrestling with Wayne] You've got quite a grip. You must be a heavy masturbator. My guess is three times a day? I bet you're a premature ejaculator. You start off with a big bang. Before you know it, you're limp. [wins the match] I win, you lose. Now get out."

"I brought you some more videos. You got your choice: porn or monster trucks. And I got one that's both."

"I thought I had a mother lined up for him, but she's busy banging the Pepperidge Farm guy."

"The boy just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel!"

"[drops a can in a supermarket] Dented cans are half-price. Microsoft went down 3 points. We gotta save some money."

"Nature called. Look who answered."

"Once you adopt a kid, you've got to keep him."

"Adam Sandler as Sonny Koufax"

"Dylan and Cole Sprouse as Julian McGrath"

"Steve Buscemi as Homeless Man"

"Rob Schneider as Nazo"

"Vanessa, you're a HOOTER'S girl?"

"Having a kid is great...As long as his eyes are closed, and he's not moving or speaking."

"Joey Lauren Adams as Layla Maloney"

"Jon Stewart as Kevin Gerrity"

"Leslie Mann as Corinne Maloney"

"Bill Romanowski as Karl"

"Reggie Jackson as Himself"

"Max Padro as Nelson"

"Danny McCarthy as Troy"

"Sean Salisbury as Brad"

"Matt Weinberg as Kyle"

"John P. Farley as Swimmer Boy"

"Terry Crews as Steven (Poker Guy #1)"