"[tinkers with the remote while looking at the rearview mirror] You look like pale there, pal. Let me fix that. [changes his skin color to yellow] You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain. [picks green] Grr.. Don't get the Hulk angry. You won't like him when he's angry. Raaaahrrr! [to purple] Oh, there's Barney. [spoof Barney theme] I love you, you love me. The jogger had giant boobies."

"[after seeing his non-auto-pilot self yell at his father] You're pathetic."

"[having seen that what happened was just a dream, he makes amends with his family and prepares for their Fourth of July vacation, but sees the remote in the kitchen and reads an attached letter] Like I said, '"Good guys need a break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S.: Your wife's rocking body still drives me crazy.' Okay, Morty. [disposes of the universal remote in the trash bin, and this time it does not reappear]"

"[Morty reveals to Michael that he is an "angel of death" and that it was his father's time] You bastard. [loses control of his rage and tries to attack him, only to grab nothing and fall]"

"What If You Had A Universal Remote... That Controlled Your Universe?"

"Adam Sandler as Michael "Mike" Newman"

"Kate Beckinsale as Donna Newman"

"Christopher Walken as Morty"

"David Hasselhoff as Johnny "John" Ammer"

"Henry Winkler as Theodore "Ted" K. Newman"

"Julie Kavner as Trudy Newman"

"Sean Astin as Bill"

"Jennifer Coolidge as Janine"

"Sophie Monk as Stacey"

"Joseph Castanon as Benjamin "Ben" Newman"

"Tatum McCann as Samantha "Sam" Newman"

"Cameron Monaghan as Kevin O'Doyle"

"Rachel Dratch as Alice / Alan"

"Jana Kramer as Julie Newman"

"Carolyn Hennesy as Kathy O'Doyle"

"Sid Ganis as Dr. Bergman"

"Emilio Cast as Michael at 10 years old"

"Elliot Cho as Ping Woo"

"Nick Swardson as Bed Bath & Beyond employee guy"

"Don't blow smoke up my ass, you'll ruin my autopsy."

"Lois Kelly-Miller - Jamaican Woman."

"David S. Howard - Eddie Sloane"

"Jeffrey Tambor - Quince"

"Marcia Gay Harden - Allison Parrish"

"Jake Weber - Drew"

"Claire Forlani - Susan Parrish"

"Anthony Hopkins - William Parrish"

"Brad Pitt - Joe Black"

"Meet Joe Black: Sooner or Later Everyone Does."

"He's Expecting You."

"No one can die - while he loves!"

"Jamaican Woman: It nice it happen to you. Like you come to the island and had a holiday. Sun didn't burn you red-red, just brown. You sleep and no mosquito eat you. But the truth is, it bound to happen if you stay long enough. So take that nice picture you got in your head home with you, but don't be fooled. We lonely here mostly too. If we lucky, maybe, we got some nice pictures to take with us."

"Susan Parrish: Love, passion, obsession, all those things you told me to wait for, well, they've arrived. What are you afraid of, Dad? That I'll fall head over heels for Joe? Well, I have."

"Allison: I should have my head examined again."

"Do you have any peanut butter?"

"Hello Bill."

"You got enough nice pictures?"

"Make no mistake, should you choose to test my resolve in this matter, you will be looking at an outcome that will have a finality that is beyond your comprehension, and you will not be counting the days, or the months, or the years, but millenniums, in a place with no doors."

"I can't believe you people. I come for you, and you want to stay, I let you stay and you want to go."

"Thank you for loving me."

"Easy Bill, you'll give yourself a heart attack and ruin my vacation."