"Sharmeen Nanjiani: Since when are you someone to stand up? You know who I think should stand up is Malala. She has something to say, she has something to say!"

"So, uh, 9/11? No, I mean, I've always wanted to have a conversation about it with... (pauses) people."

"It’s just really hard to do standup comedy when your girlfriend is in a coma."

"Look at me. Look me in the eyes when you fuck me! Look at me. PLEASE! (after fast-food worker refuses his order)"

"Your driver will be ready as soon as he puts on his pants."

"Apparently, there are good and bad comas. And the kind that they put her in, the medically induced ones, are definitely the good kind of coma. Like you know how there are good and bad carbs? Gremlins, those can be good or bad."

"(to Kumail) Naw dog. I'm not joking. You're not funny to me. You just make me sad. You make me sad inside of my heart, and it makes me sad to look at you. So I think you should probably go. Just go and tell my mom I want her. (Kumail is stunned.) Will you please get my mom?"

"Holly Hunter - Beth Gardner"

"Anupam Kher - Azmat Nanjiani"

"Adeel Akhtar - Naveed Nanjiani"

"I read in an interview with Hugh Grant, he said he doesn't smile because it makes his face look fat. So I didn't smile in pictures for many years."

"Zenobia Shroff - Sharmeen Nanjiani"

"Naveed Nanjiani: Listen to yourself. You hardly sound Pakistani. "Cookies"? You sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus. You're such a burger."

"(...quote...)"

"Kumail Nanjiani — Kumail Nanjiani"

"An Awkward True Story"

"Zoe Kazan — Emily Gardner"

"Ray Romano — Terry Gardner"

"Zendaya as Anne Wheeler"

"Zac Efron as Phillip Carlyle"

"Hugh Jackman as P. T. Barnum"

"Michelle Williams as Charity Barnum"

"Rebecca Ferguson as Jenny Lind"

"And that leaves a hole that no ovation can ever fill."

"I was born out of wedlock and that brought shame upon my family."

"Are we all invited?"

"It is hard to understand wealth and privilege when you're born to it."

"I gave most of my earnings to charity, Mr. Barnum...to orphans and widows."

"Which is much more than I can say from my play."

"Mr. Barnum said he left a ticket for me."

"I wish...for happiness like this forever."

"For you and you...and for your father."

"Father is sending me to finishing school."

"I don't know what my future will be."

"Yes, I do, indeed. Refunds are available at front box office."

"Who is that?"

"I guess I'll just have to tell the queen either all of us go or none of us will…"

"Oh, I am counting on it."

"I sometimes don't feel like I belong here."

"They don't understand it, but they will."

"And life always manages to remind me that I don't deserve a place in this world."

"Yeah, we are going to change that name. I think you're Irish."

"You don’t need everyone to love you. Just a few good people."

"Sir I, I know I don't come from much but I will take care of your daughter and I will give her a life as grand as this one."

"God, no. But I've seen the crowds. People leave your show happier than when they came in."

"I've always wanted to go to the theater."

"No one ever made a difference by being like everyone else."