"Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal! That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy!"

"Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!"

"For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly."

"This is my ant farm. These little guys can lift fifty times their own weight. They also spend weeks digging these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah, they really hate it when you do this! [Raul picks up the ant farm and shakes it] Oh look! They're really mad now!"

"Not many people know this, but the turtle is nature's suction cup. [licks the bottom of a turtle, throws it towards the ceiling] Look. It sticks."

"[speaking to the crowd at the telethon] Dear friends, I'm sure that one day you realize that by shutting down this hotbed of subversive activity..."

"(The broadcast which gets Channel 8 shut down by the FCC) This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot!! You think I CARE about the pea-brained yokels of this town?! If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first!! I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!"

"This is a business, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!"

"Watch out, Mr. Coyote... Aww."

"This is pretty good watermelon...[pauses and considers]...Tastes like poop. I'm gonna eat some Corn Flakes.[grabs box of Corn Flakes] These are pretty good...WHOA!! Free toy inside! Free toy inside!! Let's find it. [rummages his hand in the box] Don't let your mom know that you do this."

"I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange. [laughs] Ok, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue. [singing] DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA DAA DAAAAA!! [Thugs push him into the closet] Don't you like Bonanza?!"

"Sy Greenblum: [In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial] Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company."

"Earl Ramsey: Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people; I do!"

"Teri: George Newman, you are a thoughtless, insensitive CREEP! From now on you can forget all my birthdays, because WE'RE THROUGH!"

"Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to...[unfolds a piece of paper with the title written on it; recites title with echo effect] Secrets Of The Universe. [folds paper back up] Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items."

"Young book customer: [in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"] These books are a little overdue. [Conan slices him in two!!]"

"Gandhi: Give me a steak, medium-rare."

"Kuni (and other karate experts): SUH-PLIIEES!!"

"Noodles Macintosh: [having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him] Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!"

"TV as it was meant to be seen. In a movie theater."

"A lot of TV stations have forgotten what "quality" means. But not Channel 62. They NEVER knew what it meant."

"It's crazy. It's zany. It's hysterical. It's TV according to "Weird Al" Yankovic."