"I suppose the country lying between Corinth and Pittsburg Landing could boast a few inhabitants other than alligators. What manner of people they were it is impossible to say, inasmuch as the fighting dispersed, or possibly exterminated them; perhaps in merely classing them as non-saurian I shall describe them with sufficient particularity and at the same time avert from myself the natural suspicion attaching to a writer who points out to persons who do not know him the peculiarities of persons whom he does not know. One thing, however, I hope I may without offense affirm of these swamp-dwellers--they were pious. To what deity their veneration was given--whether, like the Egyptians, they worshiped the crocodile, or, like other Americans, adored themselves, I do not presume to guess. But whoever, or whatever, may have been the divinity whose ends they shaped, unto Him, or It, they had builded a temple. This humble edifice, centrally situated in the heart of a solitude, and conveniently accessible to the supersylvan crow, had been christened Shiloh Chapel, whence the name of the battle."

"Riven and torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded bunches of splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound interlacing with those below."

"A kiss is but a modified bite, and a fond mother, when she rapturously avers that her babe is 'almost good enough to eat,' merely shows that she is herself only a trifle too good to eat it."

"Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom."

"Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your temporal affairs. You may live."

"Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward a straiter resemblance to the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death, and the hope of Hell."

"Absent, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another."

"To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman's body is the woman. O, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath said: A woman absent is a woman dead."

"Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others."

"Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion."

"Accord, n. Harmony."

"Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin."

"Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous"

"Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."

"Advice, n. The smallest current coin."

"Alone, adj. In bad company."

"Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead."

"Amnesty, n. The state’s magnaminity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish."

"Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense."

"Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk."

"Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity."

"Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you."

"Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having."

"Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters."

"Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen."

"Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other."

"Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think... In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."

"Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."

"Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."

"Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another."

"Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries."

"Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment."

"Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum -- whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made."

"Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle."

"Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin."

"Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool."

"Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead."

"Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets."

"Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him."

"Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C."

"Congratulation, n. The civility of envy."

"Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others."

"Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."

"Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision."

"Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh."

"Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set."

"Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack."

"Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work."

"Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country."

"Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm."