"Sheriff Bart [waking up a drunk Jim in jail]: Are we awake? Jim "The Waco Kid": We're not sure. Are we...black? Sheriff Bart: Yes, we are. Jim "The Waco Kid": Then we're awake, but we're very puzzled."

"Sheriff Bart: Since I am your host and you are my guest what are your hobbies? What do you like to do in your free time? Jim "The Waco Kid": Oh you know, play chess...screw. Sheriff Bart: (Quickly) Let's play chess!"

"Igor: My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up."

"Igor (limping off): Walk this way — and Dr. Frankenstein limps off after him."

"Dr. Frankenstein:: Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags? Igor:: [doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban."

"Igor:: Sed-a... Inga:: Sed-a... Igor:: Dirty word! He said a dirty word!"

"Dr. Frankenstein Damn your eyes! Igor (pointing at his lazy eye) Too late!"

"Josephus: I'm Josephus, and I'm the main course over at the Colosseum!"

"Count de Monet: [consistently mispronounced as "count da money"] Bearnaise? Bernaise: Yes? Count de Monet: Do we have any of those delicious raisins left? Bearnaise: You ate yours. These are mine. Count de Monet: Au contraire, they are mine! I paid for them! Hand them over! Bearnaise: [gives the bag of raisins to the Count, sotto voce, mimicking] 'Au contraire, I paid for them! They're mine!' [blows a raspberry] Count de Monet: Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise! Bernaise: [mouths] Bitch."

"Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting King Louis XVI: You said it. They stink on ice."

"Impoverished Paris Street Merchant (Jack Carter): Rats, rats for sale. Get your rats. Good for rat stew, rat soup, or the ever-popular ratatouille."

"Other Street Merchant: Nothing, I have absolutely nothing for sale!"

"King Louis XVI: [prior to his arrest] It's good to be the king. [also used in Robin Hood- Men In Tights and The Producers [Musical]]"

"Tomás de Torquemada: It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull."

"Moses: Lord, I shall give these laws unto thy people. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?! All pay heed! The Lord! The Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen- [drops one of the tablets] Oy. Ten! Ten commandments! For all to obey!"

"Madame Defarge: And now, let us end this meeting on a high note. [proceeds to sing a sharp high note, followed by the rest of the revolutionaries]"

"Jail Inmates: Eighty fff...Eighty fff...Eighty fff...Eighty fff...Eighty Six!"

"Excuse me, is this England?"

"Dark Helmet: I see your schwartz is as big as mine."

"Radar Officer: I've lost the sweeps, the bleeps, and the creeps! [Explains via vocal sound effects] Dark Helmet [aside to Colonel Sandurz]: That's not all he's lost."

"Dark Helmet : What? You went over my helmet?"

"President Skroob: What the hell, it works on Star Trek!"

"Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz... chicken?!"

"Dark Helmet [after everyone on the bridge announces that their last name is "Asshole."]: I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes."

"Lonestar: That's all we needed, a Druish Princess!"

"Dark Helmet : So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb."

"Ahchoo:Man, white men can't jump!!"

"King Richard: From this day forward, all toilets in this kingdom shall be known as...'Johns'!"

"Little John: Let's face it — you've got to be a man to wear tights!"

"Man In Front of Castle: Hey Abbot!"

"Townspeople: A black sheriff? Blinkin: He's Black?! Ahchoo: Why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles."

"Robin Hood: Watch my back! Achoo: Yo' back just got punched twice."

"Will Scarlet Blinkin, fix your boobs, you look like a bleeding Picasso."

"Blinkin Aaahhhh, you lost your arms in battle, but you grew some nice boobs (Blinkin gropes the Venus De Milo statue left behind after creditors take away Loxley Castle)"

"Robin Hood: Because unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a English accent."

"Sheriff of Rotingham King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!"

"Spiegel: Can you also get your revenge on him by using comedy?"

"He understands not only with his brain but with his heart. And that might be called love. Not quite sure, but maybe that's the key."

"Mel is sensual with me. He treats me like an uncle — a dirty uncle. He's an earthy man and very moral underneath. He has traditional values."

"All the apprehensions that surface in Brooks's comedy have the same eventual source: a fear — or, to put it more positively, a hatred — of death."

"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."

"Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another city."

"At my age, all my friends, doctors, and attorneys are dead. The good thing about this is that there's no one left who can refute my stories."

"If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it."

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

"I've had worried parents come up to me and ask me for advice. They'll say "I don't know what to do. My teenage son won't cut his hair, he drives too fast, and I don't know what that stuff is he listens to, but it sure isn't music." I'll just say to them "I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. By the time he's my age, I don't think you'll need to worry about him anymore.""

"Living with kids is like living in a frat house... everything's broken, nobody sleeps, and there's alot of throwing up"