Comedians From England

"Another 'great,' and I use that word very carefully, not the way Milton Berle uses it. One of the reasons I love Buster so much is because he lives comedy as well as practices it. Some of his things are better than Chaplin's."

"I am now in the home of the master."

"I don’t say 'who'. I do say 'whom'. I never use the toilet, just the smallest room. I don't say gay. I still say queer. I think that Mussolini had the right idea."

"I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years."

"People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly."

"When you're in the middle of having a baby, it's a bit like watching two very inefficient removal men, trying to get a very large sofa through a very small doorway. Only in this case you can't say, "Oh sod it, bring it through the French windows"."

"[Asked if being interviewed is a form of torture for her] No, people always think I hate doing interviews. I don't. I wouldn't do them if I didn't like them. I have to say that at the start of every interview."

"[On a difficult relationship with her mother, Helen] If she'd only gone out to work, we would all have been a lot happier. Being in the house drove her mad. She hated housework, cooking. She'd go into the garden and chop down trees. She was full of energy and batting against the walls with it. And this gave me a real sense that you had to have your own life. It's ridiculous to stay at home with your children if it drives you nuts. Children would much rather see a happy, smiley person come back."

"[On remaining unattached after a divorce] Well, I think there's not much of a chance for me finding somebody of my age. Gentlemen of my age are dropping down 30 years to find girlfriends. [Informed: "That's not always the case."] You're right. I need to get out of the house."

"I was researching Mrs Brown’s Boys and found that, with music hall, Laurel and Hardy, Les Dawson, Dick Emery and so on, more men had played working-class women in British comedy than women. [...] That's up until Victoria Wood. She almost single-handedly changed that. She and Billy Connolly essentially prepared the way for alternative comedy and the rise of the stand-up — bridging the gap between the working men's clubs and the comedy clubs. Before her, funny women were from a rarefied sphere like Joyce Grenfell. Wood spoke the way real people spoke and she was hugely successful. She made it possible for Tracey Ullman, even Peter Kay, to think a career was possible."

"[Song]] Not bleakly, Not meekly Beat me on the bottom with the Woman's Weekly Let's do it, let's do it tonight!"

"Sometimes I think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the pill."

"I was just thinking as Alan [Bennett] and I walked up the steps, how nice it would have been if one of us had come up in a stairlift."

"The Italians have got opera, the Spanish have got flamenco dancing. What have we got? Weight Watchers."

"Where are you in the menstrual cycle? Taurus."

"[Asked if she ever had childhood holidays in Blackpool] No. What do you take me for? We used to go to Vienna."

"We'd like to apologise to our viewers in the North - it must be awful for you."

"In playing the character of Bernard Woolley, I thought, "I guess I've made it. Here am I, from a secondary modern school, playing a classics scholar from Marlborough and Oxford who's going to be head of the Civil Service." Paul Eddington used to correct my pronunciation. I said garij and he said, "What's that word?" I should have said guh-rarrge."

"I just want to be the best friend who comes in, steals the scene, and bounces ...and then use that small amount of fame to sell out theaters and play to bigger audiences…So as we were starting to write the show, I kept saying to [her co-writers] 'You know what? [Abishola] needs a funny friend ... a confidant.'"

"I wasn’t like every other comedian at the time because I was coming from a different perspective. I was an outsider looking in. And I was even different from all the other black comics on the scene because a lot of them were of Caribbean origin and a lot of their jokes were poking fun at Africans. So I got my first taste of success quite quickly just from being different. It was taking it to the next level that was difficult."

"I was more qualified than most of the guys I was working with, which they hated. I’d come into work and there’d be a banana skin stuck to my overalls or a picture of a monkey on my coat."

"My sense of humour has always been quite in-your-face. I haven’t got that quintessential dry British humour, so my style fits in quite well...A lot of Americans have never been outside America. So if I’m doing something about Malaysia, say, I have to explain where Malaysia is and what the culture is before I go into the joke."

"I’ve never had any of my specials aired anywhere on British TV. If I’d sat in England waiting for someone to give me a TV show, I’d still be there, being the token black face on Mock the Week. That, to me, is a slap in the face."

"[The French] are so uncompromising in their view of the world, which is why they are such a fantastically rich source of comedy. They are so relentless and so clear in their view of things, and they won't be shoved off that position by anything. What's also good is that, generally speaking, making jokes about the French appears to be something that nobody really minds. The French don't even care, they just go about their lives regardless."

"When I was doing Bean more than I've done him in the last few years, I did strange things; like appearing on chat shows in character as Mr. Bean. I remember going to a book signing as Mr. Bean; it was a Mr. Bean book; and I signed it as Mr. Bean. I just wrote "Mr. Bean" in the book rather than Rowan Atkinson. I was there in costume and in character for the entire time; from arriving in the store till leaving it at the end of the book signing; and it was a fantastically kind of freeing experience, because I could just submerge myself in this character and just behave however I liked. And I didn't care what I did or what I said to anyone; I just became this other person, and it was a wonderful sort of freedom. A wonderful kind of fantasy, where you could just be this thoroughly rather unpleasant, selfish man for an hour; in a totally real context rather than in a fictional context. It was rather extraordinary, actually, and something that I found rather pleasing and rather relaxing."

"When presented with an audience or a camera, usually [my stammer] disappeared, but by no means all the time. I can show you some outtakes of Blackadder or The Thin Blue Line when I get to some B's followed by a vowel, which is my real bête noire."

"Personally I suspect that I am highly unlikely to be arrested for whatever laws exist to contain free expression, because of the undoubtedly privileged position that is afforded to those of a high public profile. So my concerns are less for myself, and more for those more vulnerable because of their lower profile. Like the man arrested in Oxford for calling a police horse 'gay'. Or the teenager arrested for calling the Church of Scientology a 'cult'. Or the café owner arrested for displaying passages from the Bible on a TV screen."

"I am getting older, and [Mr. Bean] naturally has to get older with me, and that's why I've done him very little in recent years. Because I don't particularly want him to get old. I've always seen him as a rather timeless, ageless figure — though, in fact, when we were doing this funeral sketch a few weeks ago, quite a few people said you know there's something about Bean in middle age which feels almost more right; he sort of suits an older outlook."

"I cry too much and I find it strange. It must be indicative of some issue within me that I’ve yet to identify. Whether it’s crowds or whether it’s people being nice… Hospitals make me cry very, very easily. Merely entering a hospital – just sensing care, you know. People trying to help others, I find, inspires a very emotional response."

"[O]ne must know that pride is one of the seven deadly sins, so one shouldn't exhibit pride in anything...I don't know...what do I get pride and satisfaction from? I can't think of anything I'm absolutely proud of. If I've done jokes that people liked, then that is pleasing and satisfying. I think probably the thing that I enjoyed in the show, the franchise, the brand or whatever you want to call it, the thing that I found the least stressful might be Blackadder, the sitcom I did in the 1980s. That was good because of this feeling of shared responsibility among a lot of really good actors."

"It does seem to me that the job of comedy is to offend, or have the potential to offend, and it cannot be drained of that potential. Every joke has a victim. That’s the definition of a joke. Someone or something or an idea is made to look ridiculous....In a proper free society, you should be allowed to make jokes about absolutely anything."

"The problem we have online is that an algorithm decides what we want to see, which ends up creating a simplistic, binary view of society. It becomes a case of either you're with us or against us. And if you're against us, you deserve to be 'cancelled'. It's important that we're exposed to a wide spectrum of opinion, but what we have now is the digital equivalent of the medieval mob roaming the streets looking for someone to burn. So it is scary for anyone who's a victim of that mob and it fills me with fear about the future."

"The victimisation of individuals or corporations or groups of people is a very dangerous and difficult development. The fact that careers can be ruined and reputations can be savaged without any particular responsibility on the part of those who are doing it… we live in strange times."

"It’s the age-old dilemma of being known for doing a certain thing in a certain way. And even if people think, “Well, we could cast him in this role,” then they say, “He just brings a lot of Mr. Bean baggage with him and would people take it seriously?” I can see myself in some Dickensian role, those sorts of characters. But I think I might have burnt my bridges with the outright silliness of so much of what I’ve done."

"All jokes about religion cause offence, so it's pointless apologising for them."

"[The issue of safe spaces for biological women] I don't get this. I'm in my 45th year in showbusiness, travelling the country touring. I've been to every service-station toilet in the country. Every one has a sign up saying male cleaners in attendance. I don't recall anybody saying, "We need to group up against these male cleaners." Why would someone dress as a woman when they could just pick up a cleaning cloth? If it really bothers you there's a toilet some place else. Go there. Shut up. Let's join together and fight stuff that actually needs fighting. Why are they talking about this when women in Afghanistan are not allowed to sing or to look a man in the face? Who is benefiting from all this? The patriarchy. It makes me so sad."

"[Homophobic hostility is being caused by the] intemperate language on social media around the trans discussion. That's opened the door to people thinking it's now fair to have a general go at diversity, that the world is too woke. I don't know how you can be too woke — woke means being awake to the dangers that are around you. Mental health within the LGBTQ community is not good and that's not because you're not comfortable with who you are. It's the way society treats you."

"[Guests have been asked to say their favourite thing about Denmark]."

"[Objecting to "radical feminists" opposition to trans people] How could you be so white and privileged and heterosexual and never marginalised in your life yet you decide to punch down on people?"

"I don't want anybody to say to me, 'I'm fine with it, I accept you.' You think, wow, thanks so much, because if you hadn't I would have killed myself."

"[On working in television in the early 1980s.] I can't remember the number of times I was told, 'Don't you worry about that, you pretty little thing.' Wow. I've got a first-class degree from Cambridge, but OK."

"There are only two countries in the world where representatives of the state religion automatically get a seat in the legislature: the UK and Iran. Obviously, there are fundamental differences between the two countries and in the religious representatives’ views, but it is symbolic all the same. How can it be that our democratic system draws parallels with an Islamic theocracy?"

"[On men who take off their shirts in public.] There's an awful lot of lard out there. No woman would do that."

"[On teaching her children to have good manners.] It's mainly because I wanted to send them out in the world and have everybody like them."

"When the feminist movement started in the 60s and 70s, lesbians were often excluded, because we were told that we would make the movement less palatable. I have been excluded myself, so how could I do that to someone else?"

"Being a vegan, caring about animals … all this compassion in my lifestyle is the reward in and of itself."

"As far as a compassionate lifestyle and [it being] healthy for me, for the planet and all the life on it, vegan is really the best way to go. It helps me a lot. I really believe that I'm doing something good for me and for everyone else every time I eat, you know."

"I'm always flattered when the Leprechauns are listed in these "Top Tens" of horror characters among Freddy Kruger and Jason, which were the characters I grew up "admiring," if that's the right word."

"Any kind of recognition for the work that you've done is a terrific thing. As a film actor, you don't often get that opportunity to meet with your audience and take your applause on stage. It's quite nice to meet people and hear them say, "I really enjoyed your work in this." I really enjoyed the Leprechaun films, and people who enjoy Leprechaun are quite obsessed."

"Whitehall, on being "posh", or coming from an affluent background"