"[to Flap] Raising three children, working full-time, and chasing women requires a lot more energy than you have. You know, one of the nicest qualities about you has always been that you recognized your weaknesses. Don't lose that quality now just when you need it the most."

"You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?"

"James Taylor: Fuck Facebook!"

"Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?"

"Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's going to come up to afterward and be like, "Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" That's fucking insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?"

"Adam Sandler - George Simmons"

"Seth Rogen - Ira Wright"

"Torsten Voges - Dr. Lars"

"Allan Wasserman - Dr. Stevens"

"RZA - Chuck"

"Kyle Kinane - Paparazzi at Medical Center"

"Maude Apatow - Mable"

"Iris Apatow - Ingrid"

"Steve Bannos - Deli Manager"

"Aziz Ansari - Randy Springs"

"Eric Bana - Clarke"

"Jonah Hill - Leo Koenig"

"Leslie Mann - Laura"

"Jason Schwartzman - Mark Taylor Jackson"

"Aubrey Plaza - Daisy Danby"

"Maggie Siff - Rachel"

"Alec Baldwin"

"Sofia Vassilieva"

"The kid wasn't lying. The doctor started taking things from her the moment she was born. Cord blood as an infant, white blood cell transfusions, bone marrow, lymphocytes, injections to add more stem cells, then they took them, too, but it was never enough."

"Cameron Diaz"

"I have an iron lung, and Judge helps me steer clear of magnets."

"I don't have any money, but 'll pay you in sexual favors."

"When Anna Fitzgerald first stepped into my office I thought she was selling girl scout cookies."

"Abigail Breslin"

"I don't mind my disease killing me, but it's killing my family, too."

"Nobody is saying anything, but seeing everyone together let's me know that this is serious. Our family is kind of disconnected. Dad's relatives are wealthy and distant, and Mom's side drive her crazy. So besides Aunt Kelly, we never get to really see everybody except on holidays or disasters."

"You know you're nuts, right?"

"The radiation, which ultimately put Kate into remission, worked its magic by wearing her down. Taylor Ambrose, a drug of an entirely different sort, worked his magic by building her up."

"Oncology? But that's cancer."

"I'm not going to let her die. You know that, right?"

"She kicked the door down?!"

"It's hard to imagine now, that there was a time before all this happened, when the kids were just kids and everyone was happy"

"I'm important too, Mom! I'm important too!"