"Hey, Stanley. I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there, pick it up. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Well OK, call me back."

"I'll juice ya up!"

"I can be your best friend or your enemy. You seem to prefer the latter."

"Stanley's Father"

"Stanley's Grandpa"

"Jesus Christ! Can you maybe at least keep it together for just 10 minutes?"

"You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot-eatin' shit that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass."

"[in a letter to Thurman] Dear Kid, I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it, although there was blood on the presents you gave me, which didn't keep me from enjoying it, so maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess. Just in case they took it as evidence, I'm also sending you a T-shirt. I hope it's the right size. I'm healing up good and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, even with eight bullets dug out of me cause they didn't hit any vital organs, just my liver, which is fucked anyway. Hahaha. Anyways, I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you so they set it up with Ms. Santa's Sister to watch you 'til your dad gets back in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro tem, or some such shit. Anyway, she makes better money than bartending and seems to like you, your house, and Jacuzzi. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad. I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit for them like I did. Thank you for giving that letter to the cops, I forgot to ask you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass, and now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass outta jail. That plus everyone agreeing that to Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty now, which is new in my experience. They're gonna make me the sensitivity counselor, so that tragedies like this will never again embarrass the whole fucking department. Whatever. So I'll be staying in Phoenix now, telling the police how screwed up they are, which is not a bad job as jobs go. They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, so I'll see you when I come over and fuck Ms. Santa's Sister in the jacuzzi. Until then, don't take no shit from nobody, least of all, yourself. Anyway, see you soon. Santa."

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first."

"[to Thurman] Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did, or 'Santa's Little Helper' would have plugged his ass. And now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty, which is new in my experience. They're making me a sensitivity counselor so that tragedies like this would never again embarrass the department. Meanwhile, I told the cops that you had no one to take the fuck care of you. So they set it up with Mrs. Santa's sister until your dad gets out in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro-temp. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that he and his prune faced, mail order wife are going to be exploring mountains with your dad. I just hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them like I did."

"[to Thurman] Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did? He kicked my ass. You know why? It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something...or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it."

"John Ritter — Bob Chipeska"

"Bernie Mac — Gin Slagel"

"Lauren Tom — Lois Skidmore"

"[narrating] I've been to prison once. I've been married twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats pissing on my lap for days out of the year, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might."

"Lauren Graham — Sue"

"[while having sex] Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! You ain't gonna shit right for a WEEK!"

"I said "next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV, all right? Move it along."

"Brett Kelly — Thurman Murman"

"Tony Cox — Marcus Skidmore"

"Billy Bob Thornton — Willie T. Soke"

"Get Naughty this Holiday Season."

"He doesn't care if you're naughty or nice."

"He's very naughty . . . and not very nice."

"When I look at you, you know what I think? I think America has a sad future ahead of it."

"BURKE! BURKE, GET BACK HERE!!!"

"Harvey Fierstein"

"Danny DeVito"

"Jon Stewart"

"Catherine Keener"

"Edward Norton"

"Robin Williams"

"We're all looking for a movie to take our children to, This is not that movie."

"Welcome to the Dark Side of Children's Television"

"It's a kids show... with gangsters, bribery and corruption!"

"The Blackest Comedy on Children's Television!"

"It's the Rhino vs. the Wino... with a little help from the mob"

"He's Big, He's Blue, He's Smoochy... and He's got to DIE!"

"Get ready for an unexpected hit."

"KidNet CEO Here at the KidNet Jungle, The rhino, Is Extinct."

"Buggy Ding Dong I NEVER SAW VENICE! (Screams)"

"Merv Green: Eventually we all grow old and die, only sometimes the growing old part doesn't happen."

"Merv Green: Wipe your forehead Frank, you got plenty of time to sweat."

"Nora Wells: You're here to sell sugar and plastic."

"Tommy Cotter: [at a funeral] It's a shame this happened. Okay, now let's go pray and get shit-faced."

"Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June."

"You just F**ked up with the wrong rhino..."

"Wasn't that fun in an Awkward Way?"

"There are a lot of kids and a lot of junkies out there who are counting on me."