Atheists From The United States

"My own preliminary diagnosis is that I am out of my skull and getting farther from its vicinity every day."

"Let’s just hope that gravity isn’t as heavy as it used to be..."

"Children, being close to the ground, have a special rapport with insects."

"“In fact, there’s probably only one thing worse than not being able to understand a person.” “What’s that?” asked Nimrod. “Being able to understand him completely.”"

"Let us examine the language here. Evidently God is addressing this code to a patriarchy that will in turn disseminate it among the less powerful, namely wives and servants. And how long before these servants are downgraded further still...into slaves, even? Ten whole commandments, and not one word against slavery, not to mention bigotry, misogyny, or war."

"As with all things political, the issue was power."

"I’ve gone insane, Michael decided, retrieving a cowhide-bound appointments book from his valise. Only certifiable schizophrenics showed meetings with God on their calendars."

"When I destroyed my unwanted children, it was murder. When Yahweh did the same, it was eugenics. Do you approve of the universe, Ham?"

"Being God, I must choose My words carefully. People, I’ve noticed, tend to hang on to My every remark. It gets annoying, this servile and sycophantic streak in Homo sapiens sapiens. There’s a difference, after all, between tasteful adulation and arrant toadyism, but they just don’t get it."

"“You see, Ebenezer, charity begs a crucial question. How did the bestower attain the position from which he now exercises his largesse?” My dead colleague cleaned his teeth with one of his many appended keys. “Through imagination and merit? Or through inherited privilege and ruthless exploitation?”"

"“On your planet, how do you tell somebody that you love her?” “It’s very complicated. You say, ‘I love you,’ and then you stand back and see what happens.”"

"If You intervene too profusely in Earth’s affairs, I’ve noticed, the inhabitants become chronically distracted, and they forget to worship You."

"Oh, Robespierre, Robespierre, was the triumph of inadvertence over intention ever so total?"

"“Love Jesus, embrace your inner storm trooper, and leave the planet a more miserable place than you found it—that’s Christian nihilism in a nutshell,” said Whip Hemsoth. “If there’s a better path to fulfilling your purpose and engorging your wedding member, I haven’t found it.”"

"Monotheism is just one of the myths by which we live, and Yahweh is just one of the deities who populate these stories."

"Bobby asked him what it was like to be insane. “There is nothing that being insane is like,” Rupert replied."

"My friends in the nouveau paganism camp accuse me of quaintness: Bible thumpers are straw men, so why bother?...My answer is that straw men, once set aflame with zeal, can be quite dangerous, and that the gap between New Age irrationalism and Christian fundamentalism is not nearly so wide as we might wish to believe."

"Don’t bring your petty little human perspective to the matter, Dr. Onslo. To a vulture, carrion tastes like chocolate cake."

"JOB. And now it’s time... FRANNY. To curse God... JOB. And live."

"Her libido blazed to life. She smiled, impressed by the party-crashing shamelessness of sex, its willingness to show up anywhere—a funeral, a sermon, a final farewell. This was the way to go out, all right, thumbing your labia at the cosmos."

"There’s no objective evidence for an afterlife, and anecdotal reports of heaven cannot be distinguished from wishful thinking, self-delusion, and the effects of oxygen loss on the brain."

"“Everyone here does think as I do,” replied Nefertiti Jones’s double, “and consequently I have no enemies.”"

"There are none so blind as those who see angels...None so deaf as those who hear gods."

"Nationwide, the nonreligious population is both the fastest growing, and the most despised. I ask you all, why is that? Why are we hated, when we endorse no violence, incite no racism or hatred, and demand nothing more than equal treatment? I'll tell you why: It's easy to hate what you don't know, and the theists don't know us. Well, actually, they do know us, but they don't know they know us, because most atheists in this country are closeted. Bigotry is born of ignorance, but ignorance can be cured. If the atheists weren't closeted, it would be harder to hate us, because in the end, you can't hate what you already love."

"We are here to deliver a message to America: We are here and we will never be silent again."

"Will Rick Santorum ever say no to the Pope? If not, doesn't that make the Pope President?"

"We are here to celebrate secular values, those values which we accept as Americans but have no religious basis: diversity, equality, charity, compassion, and reason, just to name a few."

"The World Trade Center cross has become a Christian icon. It has been blessed by so-called holy men and presented as a reminder that their God, who couldn't be bothered to stop the terrorists or prevent 3,000 people from being killed in his name, cared only enough to bestow upon us some rubble that resembles a cross."

"Atheists are the fastest-growing religious subgroup in all fifty states. There are more atheists in this country than there are Jews, Muslims, Hindus, and Buddhists combined and doubled."

"Michele Bachmann, and Buchanan, and Glenn Beck, all losing shows, all losing sponsors. We're growing. They're shrinking. We're expanding, and they're yelling, and they're complaining, and they're calling us names, like "conceited", and "arrogant", when all we're doing, is telling the truth. All we're doing, is saying that we're right. Because, well, we are."

"What I am doing is not giving religion respect that it wants but it doesn't deserve. I respect people; I respect humans. I do not respect religion. And I do not respect the idea that religion deserves respect."

"I have heard many times that atheists know more about religion than religious people. Atheism is an effect of that knowledge, not a lack of knowledge. I gave a Bible to my daughter. That's how you make atheists."

"People need to understand that while Christmas is a Christian holiday, the season belongs to everyone."

"The ones who are saying, "You can’t say 'happy holidays'. You have to say 'merry Christmas', because this is our season - this is the Christmas season." Well, it's not the Christmas season, it's the solstice season. And that's why it's not a war on Christmas. It's a war on the solstice, and the Christians started it."

"Folks, last week, people came from all over the world. They came from all over the world to Washington, DC. And they told this country, "we will not be stagnant anymore". Then they stood, on the Mall, for hours, in front of the cameras, in front of the world to see, and they said "we will not be closeted anymore". And then, they stood there, in the rain, and in the cold, with all of us, for nine hours, our faces sore from smiling, our hands sore from clapping, and we screamed, "we will not be quiet anymore!" And, by the way, we're freaking right!"

"Bill O'Reilly: I'll tell you why it's not a scam. In my opinion, all right? Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can't explain that. You can explain why the tide goes in… David Silverman: Tide goes in, tide goes out…? O'Reilly: Yeah, see, the water — the tide comes in and it goes out, Mr. Silverman. It always comes in… Silverman: Maybe it's Thor up on Mount Olympus who's making the tides go in and out…"

"Sabetha threw her own shoes and costume components on the tiles near the bath. She retained only her black hose and a dressing gown. Locke did his best to look like he wasn’t staring, and she did an admirable job of pretending she wasn’t encouraging him."

"How you deal with it I must and will leave to you, not out of despair or resignation but in deference to my conscience, that broken clock which I believe is now chiming one of its occasional right hours. I will not question your reasons. It is enough for you to tell me that you wish to keep this distance between us, and it will always be enough. Know that a single word will bring me running, but unless and until it pleases you to give it, I will expect nothing, force nothing, and contrive nothing contrary to your wishes. I desire you as deeply as I ever have, but I understand that the fervor of a desire is irrelevant to its justice. I want your heart on merit, in mutual trust, or not at all, because I cannot bear to see you made uneasy by me. Not for all the world would I do so again, and I leave it to you to tell me how to proceed, if and when you can, if and when you will."

"Next came the sort of kiss that banished the world to distant background noise and seemed to last a month."

"“Remember when I told you, for the first time? You nearly threw me off the roof—” “I thought you deserved it. You know, it’s an opinion I return to from time to time, whether or not a roof is available.” “You’re a difficult woman, Sabetha. But then, difficult women are the only ones worth falling in love with.” “How would you know? It’s not like you’ve ever been after anyone else—” “That part’s easy. I started with the most difficult woman possible, so there was never any need to look any further.” “You’re trying to be charming.” She squeezed his hand once, then pulled away. “I choose not to be entirely charmed, Locke Lamora.” “Not entirely?” “Not entirely. Not yet.”"

"“Why the hell are you here?” “A matter of conscience.” “Really?” said Locke. “Yours? You keep alluding to its existence. Somehow I’m not convinced.”"

"“My responsibility was to tell you the truth, not wrap you in swaddling clothes.” She raised her hood again, half-veiling her face in shadow. “Nor protect you from your own badly aimed temper.”"

"“You’re taking the world awfully personally. Didn’t Chains ever tell you about the Golden Theological Principle?” “The what?” “The single congruent aspect of every known religion. The one shared, universal assumption about the human condition.” “What is it?” “He said that life boils down to standing in line to get shit dropped on your head. Everyone’s got a place in the queue, you can’t get out of it, and just when you start to congratulate yourself on surviving your dose of shit, you discover that the line is actually circular.” “I’m just old enough to find that distressingly accurate.” “You see? It’s universal,” said Locke."

"“We were sent here to learn from you!” “You want a lesson, boy? If you find yourself being born, climb back in as quick as you can, because life’s a bottomless feast of shit.”"

"Maybe this is going to complicate the hell out of things. So what? You’re the complication I want more than anything else. You’re my favorite complication."

"Are you really that arrogant, that logic is as optional as a fashion accessory for you?"

"Push your luck, gorgeous, and eventually luck pushes back."

"“Nikoros, your job this afternoon is to say yes to anything that comes out of my mouth. The more you rehearse this, the sooner it’ll become a smooth mechanical process allowing no time for painful reflection. Can you practice for me?” “Yes.” “You’re a natural.”"

"“I never would’ve thought—“ “Don’t think,” said Locke. “I’m paid to do that for you.”"

"“That’s not worth worrying about. If pressed I’ll use the never-fail universal apology.” “What’s the n-never-fail universal apology?” “‘I was badly misinformed, I deeply regret the error, go fuck yourself with this bag of money.’”"