"Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service."

"Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government."

"In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels."

"Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward."

"Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both — as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man."

"Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line."

"Hers, pron. His."

"Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half."

"Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own."

"Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel."

"Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."

"Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest."

"Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own."

"Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven."

"Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense"

"Freemasons, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucius, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids — always by a Freemason."

"Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude."

"Forgetfulness, A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience."

"Flesh, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity."

"Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness."

"Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey."

"Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."

"Extinction, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state."

"Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull."

"Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career."

"Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me."

"Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm."

"Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."

"Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country."

"Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work."

"Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack."

"Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set."

"Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh."

"Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision."

"Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."

"Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others."

"Congratulation, n. The civility of envy."

"Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C."

"Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him."

"Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets."

"Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead."

"Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool."

"Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin."

"Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle."

"Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum -- whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made."

"Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment."

"Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries."

"Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another."

"Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."

"Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."