"I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I'd keep my door closed."

"You know I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first rate."

"You know I liked you from the first time I met you when you answered the door. I said to myself, "This is the best half-a-face I ever saw!""

"What is it about you that makes a man with a hundred forty-seven I.Q. feel like a dribbling idiot?"

"My careereth is over. I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth. Mark, I'm begging you. I'm BEGGING you. You want this kind of performance? Let me play Lady Anne."

"Miss McFadden, today I begin rehearsals for my first New York play. It will be the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. For I have meditated. I am relaxed. I am calm. I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated, and therefore you are a pain in the ass."

""It never occurred to us that William Shakespeare wrote the Wizard of Oz. However, Elliot Garfield makes a splendid Wicked Witch of the North." Tacky. Tacky. Well, if they're gonna kill me. Let 'em kill me with panache."

"If you were a Broadway musical, people would be humming your face."

"I will bring home anyone or anything I chose including a one-eyed Episcopalian Kangaroo if that happens to be my kinky inclination."

"Patricia Pearcy - Rhonda"

"Michael Shawn - Ronnie"

"Theresa Merritt - Mrs. Crosby"

"Barbara Rhoades - Donna"

"Paul Benedict - Mark"

"Quinn Cummings - Lucy McFadden"

"Marsha Mason - Paula McFadden"

"Richard Dreyfuss - Elliott Garfield"

"Thank you Neil Simon for making us laugh at falling in love…again."

"You're not the only one who can yell rape, you know."

"Since most of these people are cheering for the home team, I'm going to root for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee in the morning before they leave!"

"Scott Mosier - Collector"

"Ethan Suplee - Fan"

"Matt Damon - Shawn Oran - Executive #2"

"Brian O'Halloran - Jim Hicks - Executive #1"

"Carmen Lee - Kim"

"Guinevere Turner - Singer"

"Casey Affleck - Little Kid"

"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"

"Jason Mewes - Jay"

"Dwight Ewell - Hooper X"

"Jason Lee - Banky Edwards"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Alyssa Jones"

"Ben Affleck - Holden McNeil"

"Finally, a comedy that tells it like it feels."

"Sex is easy. Love is hard."

"[to Holden] Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass."

"You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money.""

"Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat…he was the king of queen Archie's world."

"All the boys need to feel like they're Marco Fucking Polo when it comes to sex."

"Honey, don't give me that "all for one" shit. I got to deal with being a minority in a minority of a minority, ain't nobody supportin' my ass."

"[pointing at Holden] See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off the man."

"I love you, I always will. Know that. [slaps Holden] But I'm not your fucking whore."

"[on the phone with Holden after she paged him] One minute and five seconds; you are such my bitch."