Discworld

"Roland was staring at Tiffany, so nonplussed he was nearly minused."

"It was almost impossible to make a Feegle look sheepish, but Rob Anybody looked as if he was about to say “Bah.”"

"When Mr. Aching had worked for the old Baron, they had, as men of the world, reached a sensible arrangement, which was that Mr. Aching would do whatever the Baron asked him to do. Provided the Baron asked Mr. Aching to do what Mr. Aching wanted to do and it needed to be done."

"Should I blame him for what he’s been ordered to do? she wondered. After all, you can’t blame the hammer for what the carpenter does with it. But Brian has got a brain, and the hammer hasn’t. Maybe he should try to use it."

"Tiffany thought, Is this the right song for a funeral? And then she thought, Of course it is! It’s a wonderful turn and it tells us that one day all of us will die but—and this is the important thing—we are not dead yet."

"“Do you believe in luck?” said the Duchess. “I believe in not having to believe in luck,” said Tiffany."

"People aren’t just people; they are people surrounded by circumstances."

"Your power is only rumor and lies, she thought. You bore your way into people when they are uncertain and weak and worried and frightened, and they think their enemy is other people when their enemy is, and always will be, you—the master of lies. Outside, you are fearsome; inside, you are nothing but weakness. Inside, I am flint."

"“You’ve taken the first step.” “There’s a second step?” said Tiffany. “No; there’s another first step. Every step is a first step if it’s a step in the right direction.”"

"It is important that we know where we come from, because if you do not know where you come from, then you don’t know where you are, and if you don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’re going. And if you don’t know where you’re going, you’re probably going wrong."

"Among his curses was doing the paperwork. There was always paperwork. It is well known that any drive to reduce paperwork only results in extra paperwork. (p. 5)"

"You had to stop discussing politics or you would run right into it, causing no damage to anything but yourself. (p. 16)"

"In my day we were all so…so relentlessly physical. But if I was to suggest so much as an egg and spoon race these days they’d use the spoon to eat the egg. (p. 50)"

"“As a wizard, I must tell you that words have power.” “As a politician, I must tell you I already know.” (p. 52)"

"It’s a short walk from the palace to Unseen University; positions of power like to keep an eye on one another. (p. 54)"

"“’Ow do I know I can trust you?” said the urchin. “I don’t know,” said Ridcully. “The subtle workings of the brain are a mystery to me, too. But I’m glad that is your belief.” (p. 56)"

"“When you live there, it’s safer that way. Anyway, you have to support your own.” “But is it not a game, like spillikins or halma or Thud?” “No! It’s more like war, but without the kindness and consideration!” (p. 63)"

"“Apes had it worked out. No ape would philosophize, “The mountain is, and is not.” They would think, “The banana is. I will eat the banana. There is no banana. I want another banana.” (pp. 72-73)"

"“But here I am. You asked why I am strong? When I lived in the dark of the forge, I used to lift weights. The tongs at first, and then the little hammer and then the biggest hammer, and then one day I could lift the anvil. That was a good day. It was a little freedom.” “Why was it so important to lift the anvil?” “I was chained to the anvil.” (p. 87)"

"“You two have a history, I think,” said Nutt. “You are a sharp one, aren’t you? Quiet and sharp. Like a knife. Yeah, I suppose it was a history. I wanted it to be more of a geography, but she kept slappin’ my hand.” (p. 88)"

"Don’t be smart. Smart is only a polished version of dumb. Try intelligence. It will surely see you through. (p. 116)"

"“It’s a kind of medicine with words,” said Nutt, carefully. “Sometimes people fool themselves into believing things that aren’t true. Sometimes that can be quite dangerous for the person. They see the world in a wrong way. They won’t let themselves see that what they believe is wrong. But often there is a part of the mind that does know, and the right words can let it out.” (pp. 117-118)"

"Glenda enjoyed her job. She didn’t have a career; they were for people who could not hold down jobs. (p. 124)"

"The wizards paid no further attention and settled down to the passing of cups, the handing round of the sugar bowl, the inspection of the quality of the chocolate biscuits with a view to taking more than one’s entitlement and all the other little diversions without which a committee would be a clever device for making worthwhile decisions quickly. (pp. 129-130)"

"Weapons got you killed, often because you were holding one. (p. 180)"

"“It’s positively an offense against morality.” “How? Where? Only in your heads, I feel.” (p. 189)"

"“I’m sorry we seem to have loaded you down a bit. I’m sure it wasn’t deliberate.” “I’m sure it wasn’t, too, sir. Very little around here is.” Ponder sighed. “I’m afraid that unthinking delegation and prevarication and procrastination are standard practice here.” (pp. 209-210)"

"A lot hinges on the fact that, in most circumstances, people are not allowed to hit you with a mallet. They put up all kinds of visible and invisible signs that say “Do not do this” in the hope that it’ll work, but if it doesn’t, then they shrug, because there is, really, no real mallet at all. (p. 225)"

"Why is there a certain cast of the military mind which leads sensible people to do again, with gusto, what didn’t work before? (p. 236)"

"The Patrician took a sip of his beer. “I have told this to few people, gentlemen, and I suspect I never will again, but one day when I was a young boy on holiday in Uberwald I was walking along the bank of a stream when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. A very endearing sight, I’m sure you will agree, and even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued and dragged onto a half-submerged log. As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and I remember to this day the sweet pinkness of its roes as they spilled out, much to the delight of the baby otters who scrambled over themselves to feed on the delicacy. One of nature’s wonders, gentlemen: mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that’s when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior. (pp. 236-237)"

"“The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.” Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. “Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.” (p. 251)"

"People who had no real idea why they were doing so congregated to listen to other people who also did not know anything, on the basis that ignorance shared is ignorance doubled. (p. 258)"

"“That is a magnificent distillation of the situation,” said Hix. “Which is incredibly helpful while at the same time inaccurate in every possible way.” (p. 291)"

"“Are you worthy?” said the woman. “What sort of question is that to ask a stranger?” “An interesting and possibly revealing one. Do you think the world is a better place with you in it, and would you do me the courtesy of actually thinking about your answer rather than pulling one off the ‘affronted’ rack?” I’m afraid there’s far too much of that these days. People believe that acting and thinking are the same thing.” (p. 314)"

"“They put it like that?” said Glenda, wide-eyed. “Oh, you know the sort of thing if you read the papers a lot,” said Ponder. “I seriously think they think that it’s their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be overexcited and very worried.” (p. 325)"

"“Can’t you wizards do something?” “Yes,” said Ponder. “We can do practically anything, but we can’t change people’s minds. We can’t magic them sensible. Believe me, if it were possible to do that, we would have done it a long time ago.” (p. 327)"

"The singing of the National Anthem was always a ragged affair, the good people of Ankh-Morkpork feeling that it was unpatriotic to sing songs about how patriotic you were, taking the view that someone singing a song about how patriotic they were was either up to something or a Head of State.‡ ‡ i.e., up to something. (p. 363)"

"“I don’t think he’s been poisoned,” he said. “Why’s that, Archchancellor?” said Ponder. “Because if anyone has poisoned our Librarian,” said Ridcully, “then, although I am not, by nature, a vindictive man, I will see to it that this university hunts down the poisoner by every thaumic, mystic and occult means available and makes the rest of their life not only as horrible as they can imagine it, but as horrible as I can imagine it. And you can depend on it, gentlemen, that I have already started work on it.” (pp. 377-378)"

"For I am the crowd and I am the ball I am the triumph and the blame I am the turf, the pies, the All Always and ever, I am the Game. It matters not who won or lost Nothing is the score you made Fame is a petal that curls in the frost But I will remember how you played. (p. 395)"

"“The orcs?” “Yes. They really are wretched. Of course, people say that about the goblins and while it is true that they religiously save their own snot, and, frankly, just about everything else, at least there is a logic to it.” “Well, a religious logic, at least,” murmured Vetinari. “They tend to be quite stretchable.” (pp. 406-407)"

"And today the sheep on the downs were left by themselves to do whatever it was that they did when they were by themselves, which would presumably be pretty much the same as they did if you were watching them."

"First Sight means that you can see what really is there, and Second Thoughts mean thinking about what you are thinking. And in Tiffany’s case, there were sometimes Third Thoughts and Fourth Thoughts, although these were quite difficult to manage and sometimes led her to walk into doors."

"His hands had closed automatically into fists because he had always been a man who thought with them. Soon he would try to use them; she knew it, because it was easier to punch than think."

"When the brain stops thinking, the fist steps in."

"“Simple?” said the Toad, who seems to be enjoying himself. “Well, as a lawyer I can tell you that some thing that looks very simple indeed can be incredibly complicated, especially if I’m being paid by the hour. The sun is simple. A sword is simple. A storm is simple. Behind everything simple is a huge tail of complicated.”"

"He rubbed his nose. Then he sighed. “Miss Aching, I am arresting you on suspicion of…well, I’m just feeling suspicious."

"Sometimes what is legal isn’t what is right, and sometimes it needs a witch to tell the difference. And sometimes a copper too, if you have the right kind of copper. Clever people know this. Stupid people don’t. And the trouble is, stupid people can be oh so very clever."

"“Please,” Tiffany said, “can we get some sleep? My father always says that things will look better in the morning.” There was a pause. “Upon reflection,” Mrs. Proust said, “I think your father will turn out to be wrong.”"

"He was hanged, and then much later they put up a statue to him, which tells you more about people than you might wish to know."

"I’ve been following the noble profession herming here for nigh on fifty-seven years, practicing piety, sobriety, celibacy and the pursuit of the true wisdom in the tradition of my father and grandfather and great-grandfather before me. (p. 42)"