"Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill? (the bartender replies: Yes) Oh, what a load is off my…"

"Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days."

"I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two."

"Who knows what's funny?"

"She's all dressed up like a well-kept grave."

"Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch ..."

"And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast."

"Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia."

"Never give a sucker an even break."

"I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her …"