"On the sauce, his saloon talk is wiser than My scholar's treatise. On the con, he outwits Himself, and yet portrays his downward spiral into Beefsteak mines, mansions in the Grampian Hills, Dollars falling from a sky blue as a copper chip. His mordant eye schemes afresh from every reverse. Why this sudden rapport with his profound failure To eat ice cream neatly, refill a flask unnoticed, Escape the flypaper floor of Baby Leroy's molasses? Jargon-mouthed, rum-rank-breathed, reprobate uncle. Your legacy of irrascible, bulbous disrepute is Far sweeter, I swear, than Phyllis's daffodils. W.C., I am staring you in the eye tonight. Only the gunning cars and lonely trains Punctuate our confrontation, you and I, Two confidence men on confidential terms."

"Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got."

"Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times."

"The story goes that a polite young lady journalist invited him to lunch at Chasen's in hope of a story. Lunch in his case was a liquid affair, and left him uncommunicative. Noticing the passion with which he shooed away the hovering waiter with the ice water jug, she seized an opening. "Mr. Fields, could you tell me the reason for your well-known aversion to water?" "Delighted, my dear," he replied with suddenly increased bonhomie. "Never touch the stuff—very unhealthy. Fish fuck in it.""

"It was a woman who drove me to drink—and you know, I never bothered to thank her."

"No water—I never touch water. Fish make love in it."

"Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad."

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

"Bill Fields walked in the first day, reeking of liquor. He came over and apologized to me. Understand, I was in awe of his talents. I said, "Mr. Fields, on you it smells like eau de cologne," and he brightened up. A very sweet egomaniac."

"Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia."

"Never give a sucker an even break."

"And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast."

"She's all dressed up like a well-kept grave."

"Who knows what's funny?"

"I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two."

"Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch ..."

"Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days."

"If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for."

"Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill? (the bartender replies: Yes) Oh, what a load is off my mind. I thought I LOST it! it"

"I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for. (Variant: 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.)"

"[To a waitress]] I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here."

"I never voted for anybody. I always voted against."

""Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times." („Sage nicht, dass du das Trinken nicht aufgeben kannst. Das ist einfach. Ich habe es Tausende Male gemacht.“)"

""I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally." („Ich bin frei von Vorurteilen. Ich hasse jeden gleich.“)"

""Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." („Beginne jeden Tag mit einem Lächeln und bring ihn damit hinter dich“)"

""I never voted for anybody. I always voted against." („Ich habe nie für jemanden gestimmt. Ich habe immer dagegen gestimmt.“)"

""I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for." („Ich war einst in eine schöne Blondine verliebt, meine Liebe. Durch sie kam ich zum Trinken. Das ist die eine Sache, für die ich ihr soviel schulde.“)"

""I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here." (dt: „Ich beschwere mich nicht über das Steak, meine Liebe. Ich habe bloß gesagt, dass ich nicht das alte Pferd gesehen hab, das sonst immer hier draußen angebunden war“)"

""Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days." (dt: „Als wir durch Afghanistan reisten, verloren wir unseren Korkenzieher. Wir mussten für mehrere Tage nur von Essen und Wasser leben.“)"

""Never give a sucker an even break." (dt: „Gib niemals einem Trottel eine Chance“)"