"[after demonstrating some fake karate moves while in jail] That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that,…"

"[watching cops subduing an unruly suspect] May I suggest using your night stick officer?"

"When I was a kid, if we wanted a jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub."

"Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that had me busted."

"[introducing himself] Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn."

"[to Penelope, as he is leaving jail] Those men wanted to have sex with me!"

"I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me an…"

"He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? MY Harvard tie. Like oh, sure, HE went to Harvard."

"[noticing Louis watch her undress] By the way, food and rent aren't the only things around here that cost money. You …"

"[while acting blind and legless] Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you…"