"Mrs. Hefsteder: Three years ago our Johnny died. We thought there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap, he could still be a useful member of our family and the community. Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives."

"PA Announcement: This is not a drill - drills go Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker..."

"Bill Bixby - Himself (segment "Headache Clinic")"

"Marilyn Joi - Cleopatra Schwartz (segment "Cleopatra Schwartz")"

"Tony Dow - Wally (segment "Courtroom")"

"George Lazenby - The Architect (segment "That's Armageddon")"

"Donald Sutherland - The Clumsy Waiter (segment "That's Armageddon")"

"Bong Soo Han - Dr. Klahn (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"

"Evan C. Kim - Loo (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"

"Eric Micklewood - Asquith (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"

"Derek Murcott - Pennington (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"

"Henry Gibson - Himself (segment "United Appeal for the Dead")"

"William Tregoe - John Fitzsimmons (segment "A.M. Today")"

"Eloise Hardt - Sheila Hamilton (segment "A.M. Today")"

"[while acting blind and legless] Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. You seen "Porgy and Bess"? [the woman begins to walk away] We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You BITCH!"

"[after demonstrating some fake karate moves while in jail] That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a person's body."

"[watching cops subduing an unruly suspect] May I suggest using your night stick officer?"

"When I was a kid, if we wanted a jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub."

"Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that had me busted."

"[introducing himself] Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn."

"[to Penelope, as he is leaving jail] Those men wanted to have sex with me!"

"I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro. [sees Billy and attacks]."

"He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? MY Harvard tie. Like oh, sure, HE went to Harvard."

"[noticing Louis watch her undress] By the way, food and rent aren't the only things around here that cost money. You sleep on the couch."

"Officer Reynolds: [to Louis] Strip, you little shit, before I tear your ass!"

"Corrupt Cop: [Takes some PCP out of a baggie and tastes it] That's PCP! Phenycyclidine. Angel dust! You ever seen what this stuff does to kids? You're looking at 3 to 5 mandatory... Louis!"

"Bunny: And she stepped on the ball."

"Even Bigger Black Guy: It ain't cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving."

"Harvey: Monkey? MONKEY! I'm a gorilla, you clown!"

"Beeks: Hey. Back off! I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain."

"They're not just getting rich... They're getting even."

"Some very funny business."

"Take two complete strangers, make one of them rich the other poor... just watch the fun while they're... TRADING PLACES"

"Dan Aykroyd - Louis Winthorpe III"

"Eddie Murphy - Billy Ray Valentine"

"Jamie Lee Curtis - Ophelia"

"Denholm Elliott - Coleman"

"Ralph Bellamy - Randolph Duke"

"Don Ameche - Mortimer Duke"

"Paul Gleason - Clarence Beeks"

"Kristin Holby - Penelope Witherspoon"

"Frank Oz - Corrupt Cop"

"Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited!"

"Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion!"

"[after decapitating a prisoner] Now take him to be tortured!"

"We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors. You have our gratitude."

"[telephone rings, answering machine picks up] Herro. This is Dr. Klahn. I'm not home right now. Leave a message when you hear the beep. You have our gratitude. [gong sound]"