"[to a drunken friend] Earl, do me a favor? … Every few words, have some bubbles come out of your mouth and say "hic"."

"[to her 7-year-old daughter] Stop being a little baby and get up. Life is pain. Get used to it!"

"[to Timothy] It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?"

"You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom of it."

"I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill."

"What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn' muffins." Now, you go in…"

"I ain't handsome, I ain't rich, and the last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel."

"Naw, I sock 'em in the mouth and yell, "Pop goes the weasel." Who the fuck are you?"

"Do not make an assumption, cause when you make an assumption, you make an ass outta you; and umption!"

"Chefs do that."