"There's an old Australian stockman, lying, dying... and he gets himself up on one elbow, and he turns to his mates, w…"

"I'm Jake the Peg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um, with my extra leg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um."

"Can you see what it is yet?"

"I forgot to mention that where the guest of honour is a man, he should take the hostess's arm when entering the dinin…"

"Nowadays it is hardly necessary to ask permission of a lady to smoke, unless it's opium; but be careful, if you do as…"

"A gentleman should not talk to a lady with his hands in his pockets-unless she's his wife, in which case it's unavoid…"

"People have asked me which was the better-poultry farming or dairy farming.Well, you've got to milk a cow, but a hen …"

"Do I know anything about golf! My boy, I was playing golf when St Andrew's links had only one hole, and there was onl…"

"Last time the wife was sick I did all the housework. It's child's play once you get used to it. The difficulty, howev…"

"I don't like window-cleaning much. I found that the easiest way to clean windows was to throw buckets of water at the…"