"I remember the shouts of "SCAB!" as my father went to work during the great dermatologists strike."

"I understand that there's a large party of Scottish people here tonight... [Silence] I'll kill that researcher!"

"Anyone got a van? [Silence] That's right, you never see them any more, do you, vans. Trying to spoil my DVD?"

"I've got a sister in Australia, so when I phone her up there is a slight delay on the line after I've spoken because …"

"The left side of the brain is responsible for speech, but then it would say that."

"Nan, she died again, tragically. We decided to get her embalmed, we threw a bit of money at it. And the embalmer aske…"

"You're probably like me, when your doorbell rings, your dog goes racing up to the door...but it's never for him, is i…"

"You know, he burned his first ever pair of shoes, because when he was a kid, the Earth was still hot. Thats how old h…"

"Why is it only Tudor buildings we mock?"

"He went down to Portsmouth once, to visit the Mary Rose, and was surprised to learn that it had sunk. Thats how old h…"