"I hope you sharpened the cream cheese spreader. [throws the spreader onto a criminal who's about to shoot Vanessa, successfully killing him] I'll be right back. [uses Cable's time-travelling device; to Vanessa] We're definitely naming our kid Cher! WOOOOO!"

"[To Juggernaut] Hey, big guy! The sun's getting real low!"

"Hello, Russell."

"What do you get when you take eight feet of chrome, one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, and a wheelbarrow full of Stage 4 Cancer? Answer: a family. See? I didn't lie what kinda film this was. If there's anything you need to take away today, other than the need to Google "What the fuck is dubstep?", it's that we all need to belong to someone."

"[to Domino via commlink] Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out your eyes? It's just hard to picture, and certainly not very cinematic. I mean, luck? What coked-out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut?! Probably a guy who can't draw feet! [all the while, Domino is running through traffic while a series of accidents happen around her without harming her]"

"Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willie."

"[planning to rescue Firefist with the X-Force team] You all know the plan. Intercept the convoy, grab the boy, but not inappropriately!"

"[To Cable] You're so dark! You sure you're not from the DC Universe? I love dubstep!"

"[after Cable shoots Black Tom Cassidy] YOU KILLED BLACK TOM, YOU RACIST SON OF A BITCH!"

"In every film, there's a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. In Human Centipede, it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this film, well, you're looking at it. Rock, meet bottom."

"I guess dubstep never dies."

"[while going around the X-Mansion using Professor X's wheelchair] All these elderly white men on the walls. Should have brought my rape whistle. [in the Super Duper Cut: All these old guys on the wall. Who lives here, Calista Flockhart?] [chuckles and knocks busts onto the floor, breaking them] Those were already damaged after they fell there!"

"Nobody knows, but rumor has it that they keep a monster in the basement. Right next to [turns to viewer] huge, steaming hot bowl of foreshadowing."

"[narrating while executing Russian criminals] I know what you're thinking: "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now. And believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7... [a guy on fire runs around screaming] Holy shit-pickles, that guy's on fire! That's not CGI, folks, he's really on fire. Yeah."

"[riding around the X-Mansion on Professor X's wheelchair] What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? And how would I do that, exactly, 'cause... where the heck is everyone? It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage-Longest-Name-Ever- [Colossus (grabbing Wade by the shoulder): Enough!] I said no touching. [Colossus throws him off the wheelchair and onto the floor] What the... fuck! You'd think the studio would throw us a bone – one that doesn't end up in my mouth. The first movie made more money than the guy who invented pants. But they can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do anyway, huh? [cut to behind Wade; Cyclops, Storm, Nightcrawler, Beast, Quicksilver and Professor X are actually in an adjoining room. Beast quickly closes the door without Wade noticing] Carry him three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? No, no, no, no, no. No."

"[narrating while he is shown blowing himself up] FUCK Wolverine! First he rides my coattails with the R-rating, then the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying! What a dick! Well, guess what, Wolvie? I'm dying in this one too."

"Juggernaut: "Let's Fuck Some Shit Up" is my legal middle name."

"Vanessa: Kiss me like you miss me, Red."

"When this is over, I'm gonna fuck you to death with your own broken feet."

"Blind Al: Listen to the pain. It's both a history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. But we can't really live 'til we've died a little, can we?"

"[after Firefist starts a fight in the Ice Box] We're not partners or friends. This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset, it ends with me dying of cancer, and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth. There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone. You wanna survive? Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here, and make friends with them. Make friends with someone. Anyone but me. Maybe even Black Tim... Black Evan? I don't know. All I remember is, he was African-American."

"I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home."

"Weasel: There you go, little fella. Go on, you're doing it! My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy."

"[screaming skywards] IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME?! Is this what I am?! Is this what I am?"

"My name isn't Henryk, My name is Magneto."

"[to Scott, Jean, Kurt, Ororo, Peter, Beast at the Danger Room] Forget everything you think you know. Whatever lessons you learned in school... whatever your parents taught you... none of that matters. You're not kids anymore. You're not students. You're X-Men. [glances to Beast to start their training session, with Sentinels appearing; Professor X watches as the Danger Room doors close.]"

"[first lines] Mutants: born with extraordinary abilities, and yet still, they are children stumbling in the dark, searching for guidance. A gift can often be a curse. Give someone wings, and they may fly too close to the sun. Give them the power of prophecy, and they may live in fear of the future. Give them the greatest gift of all, powers beyond imagination, and they may think they are meant to rule the world."

"Elohim, Pushan, Ra – I've been called many names over many lifetimes. I am born of death. I was there to spark and fan the flame of man's awakening, to spin the wheel of civilization. And when the forest would grow rank and needed clearing for new growth, I was there to set it ablaze."

"[to Magneto] You will reach down, my son, deep into the earth. Rip everything they've built from the ground. Wipe clean this world, and we will lead those that survive into a better one."

"Only the strong will survive"

"Oh. Hi, Japan! Deadpool here. Surprised? I just wanted to share with you my two cents on five things you may have missed in the X-Men: Apocalypse trailer. I know what you're thinking. 'An after credits scene for a trailer? I thought they only did that for movies', right? Well, not everyone makes it to the end of Fox movies. So, now we're doing it after trailers. Number One: This movie is set in the eighties and apparently, Apocalypse kicks Professor X's ass but forgetting to wake him up before he go-go. Number Two: Major plot twist. When Quicksilver discloses to Mystique that Magneto is his father and he's a fan of Canadian supergroup Rush. So many plot twists. Number Three: Fun fact. Psylocke is a hot looking girl using a super-powered katana and I'm a horrible-looking man using a katana. Twinsies! Number Four: Looks like they're introducing a Japanese mutant with ginsu knives coming out of his hands. Let's see how that goes. Number Five: This wasn't really in the trailer but important for you to know. The newest addition to the super-dysfunctional X-Men family, me, Deadpool comes out in Japan on June 1. I've definitely never felt power like this before. So, be there! June 1."

"[having manipulated the launch of all nuclear weapons out into orbit] Always the same, and now all this. No more stones. No more spears. No more slings. No more swords. No more weapons! No more systems! No more! No more superpowers... So much faith in their tools, in their machines... You can fire your arrows from the Tower of Babel... BUT YOU CAN NEVER... STRIKE... GOD!!!!!"

"Prepare for the Apocalypse."

"[before the final battle with Ajax] Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas!"

"Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say… it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

"You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. [Saws his hand off to escape from being handcuffed to Colossus] [Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [notices Wade cutting his arm off; disgusted] Oh, my God. Nasty.] [blood splats on Colossus' face] Oh, there's the money shot, baby. [Colossus gags in disgust] [looks at camera] "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret". [He finally finishes cutting off his hand, and jumps off into an oncoming dump truck below, leaving his severed hand on the handcuff, giving the middle finger to Colossus.]"

"Size matters"

"[to Colossus] Listen! The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker, on THAT DAY... I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request! 'Till then, I'mma do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the bitch outta you!"

"Feel the love this Valentine's Day"

"All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex! [after breaking both of his wrists trying to punch Colossus, causing his hands to flop around and resemble T-Rex arms]"

"[after successfully killing a henchman and puts his katanas away] Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?"

"Wade, we have a fucking problem, and by "we", I mean "you"."

"Justice has a new face"

"Bad ass. Smart ass. Great ass."

"[puts a red-hot car cigarette lighter onto henchman's forehead, then shoves it into the henchman's mouth] I've never said this, but don't swallow."

"A new class of superhero."

"You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. [Points to a henchman] This guy's got the right idea! He wore the brown pants."

"TELL ME WHERE YOUR FUCKING BOSS IS, OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! [we see how slowly the Zamboni is moving; he's actually about half the rink away from his victim] IN FIVE MINUTES!"

"[When Deadpool leaves for the climatic fight] I'd go with you...but I don't want to."