"Barbara Robbins: [on the speaker phone in front of Mitch's colleagues] Tonight I'm going to pull down your pants and sink my hands into your cute little ass and then give you a tongue bath, I'm going to start at your feet and slowly work my way up... [Mitch quickly crawls across the conference table and picks up the phone]"

"If you guys wanna go home, go ahead. But that gold, that's the only dream I've got left."

"Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins"

"Phil, going back to Arlene is like breaking back in to Alcatraz."

"Please don't tell my kids I died taking a shit."

"Daniel Stern - Phil Berquist"

"Jon Lovitz - Glen Robbins"

"Jack Palance - Duke Washburn"

"Frank Welker - Norman (voice)"

"Jayne Meadows - the voice of Mitch's mother"

"Jennifer Crystal - jogger"

"Bob Balaban - Dr. Jeffrey Sanborn (uncredited)"

"Lindsay Crystal - Holly Robbins"

"Beth Grant - Lois"

"Noble Willingham - Clay Stone"

"Pruitt Taylor Vince - Bud"

"Patricia Wettig - Barbara Robbins"

"Bill McKinney - Matt"

"David Paymer - Ira Schalowitz"

"Josh Mostel - Barry Schalowitz"

"Russell Simpson - Deacon John Simpson"

"J. Farrell MacDonald - Mac the barman"

"Jane Darwell - Kate Nelson"

"There's probably fifty fellas around town just waitin' to see you get liquored up so they can fill you full of holes. Build themselves up a great reputation. The man that killed Doc Holliday."

"Look, Doc, I ain't tryin' to poke my nose into your personal affairs, but from where I stand, a man would have to go a long ways before he finds a finer girl than that Miss Carter, or a prettier one for that matter."

"When you pull a gun, kill a man."

"Deacon John Simpson: I hereby declare the first church of Tombstone, which ain't got no name yet, or no preacher either, officially dedicated. Now, I don't pretend to be no preacher, but I've read the Good Book from cover to cover and back again, and I never found one word ag'in' dancin'. So we'll commence by havin' a dad-blasted good dance!"

"What kind of a town is this anyway? Excuse me ma'am. A man can't get a shave without gettin' his head blowed off."