"[Ralph is trying to assert his intentions on staying in their frozen, candlelit apartment to Alice, after their apartment's heat and electricity had been cut off] Ralph: I'm the general. And what I say goes! Alice: (dripping sarcasm) Then you better say, "Alice," 'cause I'm goin'!"

"Alice: What am I supposed to tell my mother when you're not here? Ralph: I don't care. Tell her I ran off and joined the circus. Alice: What as, an elephant? Ralph: Oh, you're a riot, Alice, a regular riot. I'll bet you got the whole building laughing. Ha, ha, ho, ho! You know, you're the one ought to join the circus. You ought to be in the circus. You'd be funnier than that Emmett Kelly, the clown they got there. Much funnier. In fact, you look a little bit like him. All except for one thing: the big red nose. [cocks his fist at Alice] And you might get that before this is over."

"Ralph: Don't start that again, Alice. No wife of mine is gonna work. I got my pride. You know, no Kramden woman has ever supported her husband. The Kramden men are the workers in the family. Alice: Wait a minute, Ralph. What about your father? For a long time there he didn't work at all. Ralph: But neither did my mother. At least he kept his pride, Alice. He went on relief."

"(Ralph is outraged that he and Alice now have a phone) Ralph: What's the matter, is yelling out the window too good for you now? Was it raining out? Alice: Yelling out the window is bad manners. Ralph: Don't you make any nasty remarks about my mother. She's been yelling out the window for 80 years! Alice: Yeah? And before she lost her voice, there were more people listening to her than to Amos 'n' Andy."

"Ralph: You're the type of person that would bend waaaaay over to pick up a purse on April Fools' Day. I wouldn't. Alice: You couldn't."

"Ralph: Peanuts! Peanuts, Alice! What am I supposed to do with peanuts? Alice: Eat 'em, like any other elephant!"

"Ralph: Me and my silly pride. Well, I promise you this, Norton: I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on out how to swallow my pride. Norton: Well, that ought not to be too hard; you've learned how to swallow everything else. Ralph: GET OUT!"

"(Ralph can't remove a ring from his finger) Ralph: Isn't there any lard around here? Alice: Yeah, about 300 pounds. Ralph: Oh, you're gonna get yours!"

"Alice: I'll go fix my lipstick. I won't be gone long, Killer. I call you Killer 'cause you slay me. Ralph: And I'm calling Bellevue 'cause you're nuts!"

"(Ralph states that his mother-in-law said this): I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a TON."

"(To Ralph): I don't wanna look at that icebox, that stove, that sink, and these four walls. I wanna look at Liberace!"

"(To Ralph): The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants."

"(To Ralph): Ahhhh, shaddap!"

"Only myself to blame. My mother warned me."

"I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of polo ponies."

"Va va va voom!"

"(in TV or Not TV) Official space helmet on, Captain Video!"

"(in A Matter of Life and Death) Don't touch me, Ralph. I'm sterile."

"(Norton has been fired from his job) Ol' Ed Norton, reliable ol' Ed Norton, working 17 years in the sewer. And now everything's down the drain!"

"(In response to Ralph being temporarily laid off) I know just how you feel because I went through the same thing two or three years ago when they laid me off from the sewer. I felt just like a fish out of water."

"One of these days... One of these days... (He shoots his fist up) POW! Right in the kisser!"

"Like we say in the sewer: "Time and tide wait for no man.""

"(in A Matter of Record) In the words of the immortal bard, Shakespeare, "There are three times in a man's life when he wants to be alone: one, when he's communing with his thoughts; two, when he's being tender with his wife; and three, when he's in the isolation booth on The $64,000 Question.""