"[watching the fighting, lighting up a cigarette] I got the papers signed — papers are all signed, what do I care? Go ahead — fight, fight. [watching the police trying to bring down Jonathan with a shoe] Oh, don't do that. It never works. [Jonathan collapses] What do you know? it worked!"

"Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!"

"[Meeting with Dr. Gilchrist in the cemetery] Pull up a tombstone!"

"[trying to make Jonathan leave] Now, here's ten dollars. Why don't you be a good sport and go out and haunt yourself a hotel?"

"All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing."

"[on the telephone] Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello — what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea. [throws down the phone in disgust]"

"[singing] There is a Happy Dale, far, far away..."

"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."

"[explaining to Elaine why they shouldn't be married] You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad."

"[to Jonathan, who has some resemblance Frankenstein's monster] Where did you get that face? Hollywood?"

"[on telephone] Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? [Hangs up] Well, then I must be here."

"Even the cat's in on it!"

"[to his aunts] This is developing into a very bad habit! I don't know if I can explain it to you. It's not only against the law, it's wrong!"

"[to Dr. Einstein] Stop underplaying, I can't hear you!"

"[to elderly guest] You... Get out of here! D'ya wanna be poisoned? D'ya wanna be murdered? D'ya wanna be killed?"

"Walter Matthau – Carson Dyle (alias Hamilton Bartholomew)"

"Dominique Minot – Sylvie Gaudel"

"Audrey Hepburn – Regina "Reggie" Lampert"

"Cary Grant – Brian Cruikshank (alias Peter Joshua, Alexander Dyle, and Adam Canfield)"

"Please don't tell who did what to whom!"

"It's a guessing game of mirth and mystery!"

"You can expect the unexpected when they play..."Charade""

"Is Anyone Really Who They Seem To Be?"

"He always had a rotten sense of humor. And His punchlines are killers."

"Impossible rules, endless regulations. Who goes up, who goes down? And why?"

"Peter Stormare – Lucifer"

"Tilda Swinton – Gabriel"

"Gavin Rossdale – Balthazar"

"Pruitt Taylor Vince – Father Hennessy"

"Max Baker – Beeman"

"Djimon Hounsou – Midnite"

"Shia LaBeouf – Chaz Kramer"

"Rachel Weisz – Angela Dodson/Isabel Dodson/Mammon"

"Keanu Reeves – Jonny Constantine"

"The wager between heaven and hell is on Earth."

"Hell wants him. Heaven won't take him. Earth needs him."

"Possessed Girl: Papatayin natin siya."

"Midnite: [laughing, to John, regarding Chaz] Take him, John. Kill him after."

"Midnite: [shouts] You know the rules of my house! [normal voice] While here, you will abide by them."

"Midnite: [after learning of Constantine's cancer] I thought I heard thunder last night. Must have been Satan's stomach growling."

"Father Hennessy: Hey, John, I think I found you one."

"Chaz Kramer: [last words] You're right, John. It's not like in the books."

"Chaz Kramer: [to midnite's knocked-out bouncer] Who's the rat in a dress now, bitch?"

"Chaz Kramer: This is Kramer. Chas Kramer. Asshole."

"Beeman: [his last lines] I know you never had much faith, John, you never had much reason to. But that doesn't mean we never had any faith… in you."

"Balthazar: [as he chokes John to death] Don't fight it, Johnny boy, enjoy it."

"Balthazar: [after being sprayed with Dragon's Breath] Fire? I was born of this!"

"Balthazar: Word is… you're on your way down. Fresh meat. [puts fingers in his mouth, hisses, and leans forward] Finger lickin' good."

"No. You will live, John Constantine. You will live. You will have the chance to prove that your soul truly belongs in hell. Oh, you will live. You will live…"

"So what do you want? An extension?"