"[finding Veronica, who has apparently hanged herself] I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya..."

"The extreme always seems to make an impression."

"Color me impressed. You, uh... you really fucked me up pretty bad, Veronica. You, um... you got power, power I didn’t think you had. The slate is clean."

"Let's pretend I blew up the school - all the schools. Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life?"

"Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ’87."

"They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshipped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior."

"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?"

"Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red."

"God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time…"

"Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?"

"Father Ripper: We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the book."

"Lisanne Falk - Heather McNamara"

"Best friends, social trends and occasional murder."

"A killer comedy."

"Winona Ryder - Veronica Sawyer"

"Christian Slater - Jason 'J.D.' Dean"

"Shannen Doherty - Heather Duke"

"Kim Walker - Heather Chandler"

"What is your damage, Heather?!"

"Penelope Milford - Pauline Fleming"

"Patrick Labyorteaux - Ram Sweeney"

"Glenn Shadix - Father Ripper"

"Lance Fenton - Kurt Kelly"

"John Ingle - Principal Gowan"

"Carrie Lynn - Martha 'Dumptruck' Dunnstock"

"Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, "Yes." I said, "You're beautiful.""

"Dear Diary, Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho."

"Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count. Everybody's sad...but it's kind of a weird kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain! I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D.! Are we going to prom or to hell?!"