"I remember even thinking as a 15-year-old "this sounds alright, this stuff". I was quite impacted by it, and I was very unhappy about, sort of the way you were treated, but I think that Terry generally didn't mean to be rude. But the audience seemed... kind of... I don't know... sceptical, uncomfortable and odd."

"One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute: 'Get to the Republican Convention!' I think that is the best safe sex message of all time: 'Use a condom, or become Republican!'"

"Some people, I think they're called racists, say America is not ready for a black president. But, I know America to be a forward-thinking country, right, because otherwise, you know, would you have let that retarded cowboy fella be president for eight years? We were very impressed. We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors."

"There's no shame in being second to Stephen Fry. Unless it's in a straight nose competition."

"I don't like doing anything that makes you sweat if you don't come at the end of it."

"New York is basically a new version of York. But York just got a cathedral..."

"I keep hearing in my head "you are the Messiah, you are the Messiah". I think there's something wrong with my headphones."

"It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you. No-one really feels self-confident deep down because it's an artificial idea. Really, people aren't that worried about what you're doing or what you're saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously. You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you."

"I love the BBC, it's a gorgeous organisation and it's just 'cos it's got vaguely socialist state-run tendencies that people like bloody old Rupert Murdoch coat it off in the Sun, and it's gotta stop!"

"Matt Morgan: Have you been thinking about your religion/new order? Russell Brand: Yes I have actually Matt, and I've got a few more theories for it to make it absolutely watertight. We'll all be living on a nice island, vegetarians doing yoga and that. We'll get rid of ideas such as the nuclear family and like in African tribes the word 'mother' will mean all female members of the tribe and the word 'father' will mean all male members. There will be a lot of [wolf whistles] … and also we're not going to have no more currency, stuff like that, no brain-bending or mind-washing and we'll all be free to explore ourselves although there will be an age of consent and it'll be the same as usual so as people don't go 'Oh no...'. Matt Morgan: Pretty watertight, isn't it? Russell Brand: Pretty watertight so far Matt, I'd like to see a political theorist drive a bus through that. If so where did he get his licence? As we're in charge of issuing bus licences and they're not issued to possible dissenters, who are immediately killed on traitor's cove; one of the nicest parts of our island, decorated with all lovely corpses."

"That's right middle America, I loves Jemus!"

"Cilla Black: What are you like? Russell: A bit like Jesus but with an electric willy."

"I believe Finland's economy is based on Moomin juice."

"That's what keeps me alive, perversion and star quality."

"Oh no, my brain is broken."

"This is Hollywood, mate. People bring chihuahuas round!"

"I'm genuinely and actually a bit like Jesus."

"That diamond encrusted goat's skull is the height of good taste!"

"I'll riverdance while that's happening, 'cause it seems to be what I naturally do anyway."

"Noel Gallagher looks like a mum's mate."

"[Piers Morgan:] Are you a more successful sexual predator now that you don't drink? [Brand:] Yes, but I resent the word "predator". I like to think of myself as a conduit of natural forces. After all, the most natural thing in the world for people to do is f*, isn't it? And people want to do it, so all you have to do is remove all the reasons why women don't actually go through with it, like pride and reputation. You just have to unpick the conditions stopping women going straight to bed with you."

"(after Noel Fielding has written "peep scarf" to describe a piece of muslim apparel) That's its proper name!"

"Where's Guy?!"

"The whole thing stinks, Carr!"

"October... Is that when there's conkers?"

"Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!"

"Blimey! Thank God my jeans are this tight- you could wear me like a puppet!"

"It's like Kilroy only talking about Big Brother and there's no racism allowed."

"[On chat-up lines] Well, stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, "Get in the van.""

"Hmm, wa'er! If, right, your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?"

"It's not really over. There's a little part of my brain that is:"

"[On a fabricated tabloid story] The Neptunian underworld king unleashed a barrage of eels from his abdomen and each of the eels was carrying a zippo lighter and as they flew by they spelt across the sky in fire 'Tara can a borrow your eyeliner please?' If you're gonna make stuff up go mental!"

"Spiral's views are so enchanting that when I heard them, I cleared off to Australia, strolled up Ayres Rock to the meditating Aborigines, pulled down my trousers and pants, polished my dinkle 'til it was as stiff as a pipe, prised its end open and shouted, "Lads, who wants a blow of my didgeridoo?!" They said they faced this ignorance from the white man on an almost daily basis."

"Charles Ingram's views are so pugnacious that when I heard them, I went back to ancient Arabia, sauntered into Aladdin’s cave, said "Open, sesame," perused all the treasures and trinkets until I got Aladdin's attention, pulled down my trousers and panties and forced a genie into my dinkle's peep hole and shouted, "Aladdin, rub the lamp! You'll get more than three wishes!" He said he wished I'd leave his cave."

"Matt Morgan: [To Russell] How have you developed pectoral muscles when you barely do anything for yourself?"

"Russell Brand: What did you say? Trevor Lock: I just said 'ow' Russell Brand: Oh yeah, that cleared it up. He probably sank to his knees at that point and screamed 'There is no God!' You probably made him renounce the clergy. He probably went straight off after that and had it off with someone..."

"I like pressing that emergency button on bus doors to escape."

"I don't like the idea of fruit being all turned on because of cream being poured on it. How then can you eat that fruit?"

"The first time Tim Westwood did that chestbump to me, I ended up sort of cuddling his arm."

"Karl Pilkington: And I was high up. Russell Brand: I'm picturing you as a sort of vigilante Batman figure, looking down over Salford, to see if there's any crimes. Karl Pilkington: And I was in my pants. Rusell Brand: Again, like a vigilante Batman figure."

"I saw a picture of Prince William, HRH William, in the paper today. He's going bald. I reckon by the end of next year he will be bald and I'm glad about that. Because of his playboy prince status and that, it makes me feel insecure about my own looks."

"I've looked right through the Bible, start to finish, looking for the bit saying 'Jesus was the mind behind Ikea', then there's no evidence to suggest this at all."

"When my dad left, you know, I'd give my mum hell sometimes, but really she's the one that stayed, isn't she? Poor cow, she didn't need that kind of aggravation."

"[After pleasuring a gay man named Gary in a Soho toilet] My tendencies and inclinations towards women are very, very powerful."

"BNP Member: I am proud to be white, and I am proud to be British. Brand: But you should find other things to be proud of mate."

"BNP Member: Listen, you told us that you wanted to come up here to make a politically neutral documentary. Russell Brand: No, I can't be neutral mate it's too important, I'm not going to let you destroy my fucking planet!"

"[After a boxing match in which Brand punched his father hard enough for the older man to fall to his knees] Shall we go down the pub and chat up some birds? Do something we're both good at?"

"You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish."

"Noel Fielding's not in, Noel Gallagher's not in, I think the message is don't trust Noels! Noel Edmunds, deal or no deal? No deal Noel!"

"Is it Paul Mccartney? Is it Jimmy Page? No, it's Noel Gallagher, they look the same age!"