Stand Up Comedians From The United States

"(on the entertainment business) This business is the beast and it eats everybody and shits them out. But here's what's funny about the beast: it's a neverending line of people who want to get in the mouth and get chewed up and shit out. It's because, when you get in the belly, you get $2 million a week. And when you get shit out, you're a pile back there. And you have the option to wait to get back in line, and wait to go get back in the beast, and get eaten and shit out! And we line up! ... And I didn't even get to the beast yet. 20 years! See, when the beast pick you up, to put you in its mouth, you shinin'. People see you. Sometimes, see what "15 minutes of fame" is? The beast throws somebody down, they-- that was reality (show) people. This one was an athlete that had one good year. And you throw him down. Now, you see, "Ooh, that looks like a delicious young thing there." Eat, chew... That's why I love Charlie Sheen so much-- he was in the belly. When you making $2 million a week doing anything, you're in the absolute belly, and for that fucker to betray his position in the belly, to actually give the beast indigestion, was spectacular. He was a martyr. And Mel Gibson, too! He could have been the beast, he was so big. And they turned on him, you know what I'm saying? So, anybody that gets that deep and turns on the beast, man, you've got to root for him, no matter what, because they're martyrs, because no one's going to stand up for them. And then, Hollywood, they tell you who to hate. Like when they rose up against him, to not be on The Hangover 2. The movie was about trannies, fucking people in the ass, drugs, death, and Mike Tyson, who got a rape conviction. And you motherfuckers decide to gang up on Mel Gibson? He can't play a tattoo artist in The Hangover 2?! Come on, man. It's not hypocrisy, because that's a human thing. It's something else... it's somebody owe somebody the favor."

"This is my question, for life: have we retired the phrase, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me"? Is it legal for me to say, "I endorse hate speech, I don't give a fuck"? I want hate speech. Why can't I hate you...in speech?"

"I generally don't like living in a world where being what a man is, is a horrible thing; and no matter what a woman is, is a wonderful thing."

"I said to my girl, "The reason you have a key (to my house) is to keep me from having other women in my house. I give you an open invitation." See, she wants me to go, "Because I love you and I trust you, and I want you to trust me." It's because the fear of my girl walking in will keep me from having a young broad sitting on top of my counter. But she wants that to be because I love her so much, but it's just to protect me from my own manness."

"I can say anything I goddamn want racially. And white people have to sit there and take it. (as white person) "I am evil, yes." I like to talk to white people about being honest about Obama. You gave it a shot. You did. You gave it a two-year shot. I'm mad at him (Obama) because I thought I would have a white slave by now! I thought it was vengeance day! I thought I had me a white family! A big old, fat white girl. Go warm my bed up-- get upstairs, Susan! Warm my bed up feed my baby with your giant white titties! I'm gonna go outside and stare your husband in the face and decide whether I'm gonna sell him or not!"

"Sex is so much fun for dudes. Cause we got a money shot. You don't understand what it's like to see-- we both have orgasms, but we men have a receipt. You be like, I am satisfied, because that's what it is-- look at it! You don't think you'd be happier, ladies, if you could just shoot a couple of eggs in a guy's face? Right on top of his forehead. You wouldn't be happier? And he's just sitting there? And you go, "Aw, that felt good. Go in the bathroom and wash your face." Call your friends on the phone, "I just egged on top of his head." (as man) "Don't tell your friends our business!" (as woman) "Shut up, she already knows I egg on top of your head.""

"You gotta stop lying. You know… I mean it’s difficult to tell the truth, but you gotta start telling the truth cause it kills you, it takes something out of you when you’re…. a phony. You know, I’d rather die than to be phony really, cause… it kills me. And I’m…there’s nothing worse... like I’m depressed, but I’m not suicidal. Do you know how like… horrible it is just being to… to want to kill yourself but you just can’t, you won’t kill yourself? Do you understand what that is? So I had to figure out a way how to make myself happy….and that’s not to lie."

"Having women work with men is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon . . . dipped in honey."

"That dude was so funny even his standup work just captures like a sliver of how fucking funny that guy was [...] [O'Neal] walking into a deli to buy a newspaper was funnier than most comedians I ever met."

"Have your opinion, don't let your opinion have you."

"They lockin' old white cookbook bitches up!"

"I'd fuck you, but I don't have a change for a 5."

"Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive."

"Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything."

"To infinity and beyond!"

"While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously."

"Mario! You are one, tiny loudmouth fairy. You're the only guy I know who takes a stepladder into a gloryhole."

"What a night! A couple of trolls, a fairy, and a giant all going after a sunken-eyed little monster that's obsessed with jewelery. It's like The Lord of the Rings!"

"Holy shit, Gilbert! You look like you smell like pee."

"There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad."

"Joan, you are one irritating Jew-broad! The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off."

"Jeff, you bloated hack! Your jokes are so old, they know who George Hamilton is."

"Gary Busey is here, sort of. You look like Nick Nolte fucked a Clydesdale."

"Hamilton, you're like tang. You're dry, orange, and no one has given a fuck about you since 1968."

"Flav, you look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape."

"George Bush says two gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. The sanctity of marriage. The sanctity. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you? Sanctity of marriage? You could - You could get married in Vegas at 5 o'clock in the morning to a toothless crack whore you met fifteen minutes ago. Not - Not only do I think gay people should be allowed to get married, I think they should have to get married! Because I'm a little tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyles. They - they, should have to suffer like everybody else. I'm - I'm sick of walking by these sidewalk cafes you see these guys sitting there they're all tan and fit and muscular, they're like 60 years old but they look great cause they don't have someone at home sucking the will to live right out of em. And - and if - if you had to be married; being married to a guy would be great. Could you imagine saying something, and having the words you said interpreted exactly the way that you intended your words to be interpreted? That would be a nice touch, wouldn't it? "Remember what you said ten years ago when we were driving in the car on the way to my mother's house?" -- "No." -- "Oh me neither! I'm a dude. Forget it. Nevermind. I was - I was about to torture you with some fake transcription skills that I knew you couldn't really call me on, and then I was going to punish you for not remembering something that you actually never did in the first place, but instead since I'm a dude I'll just shut up, we can just drive along, maybe listen to music, have a good afternoon after all. Being married to a guy would be great. I did - I didn't even used to believe in soulmates, the whole concept of soulmates, I never believed in soul mates until I saw Siegfried and Roy...cause there you got a gay Lion-tamer who hooked up with another gay Lion-tamer! What are the odds of that happening?!? Talk about holding out for Mr. Right, that seems like a pretty beautiful story. People say they can't find someone who shares their interests, two German dudes play with Tigers in the middle of the desert, that doesn't seem vaguely Biblical to anyone else?"

"Hamilton, you're like a walking tumor. Not exactly; it's a big deal when you spot a tumor."

"God, you are a big, ghoulish woman. I'm talking to you, Carrot Top."

"This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?"

"When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering- You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets."

"Let's face it, our reading and writing skills in our country...every day there's a story in the paper about how shitty our schools are. They just keep getting worse, all the time. I read a book, it was filled with letters that soldiers in the Civil War had written to their girlfriends back home. These guys were kids. They were fourteen, fifteen-year old kids. Most of these guys had never even been to school, but every single letter in the book was incredible. Every single letter was like: (in Southern accent) "My dearest Hannah, this morn finds me wrecked by the fiery pangs of your absence. I'll bear your cherished memory with me, as I battle the forces of tyranny and oppression." Now, think about what the typical letter from your average modern-day soldier, to his girlfriend back home in like, New Jersey's got to read like: (in New York City accent) "Dear Marie, it is hot as fuck out here. It is hard to fight these sand monkeys, wit your balls stuck to your legs. It is very, very hot out here because I am in the dessert. What else did I wanna aks you? Oh yeah: DON'T FUCK NOBODY TIL I GET BACK.""

"Flav, you look like Idi Amin after a three year crack binge on the sun."

"Hasslehoff, your liver is so shriveled, black, and dead. If you put your ear to your side you can hear it going "What you talking bout Willis"."

"I only hate two things - living things, and objects."

"My idea of Comic Relief is switching Victoria Wood off."

"Hello moose-fuckers! You know what I hate about this country? Half of you speak French and the other half let them."

"How do you give a woman an orgasm? Who cares!"

"I'm actually a bisexual necrophiliac - I'll shag anything that doesn't move."

"My mother thinks I'm at Kings cross right now buying drugs off a prostitute. If she knew I was on the BBC, she'd kill me."

"Nelson Mandela? What a cunt. Terry Waite? Bastard. I dunno, you lend some people a fiver, you never see them again."

"I used to think I was great in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma."

"Sadowitz is a very different act from Gervais and Carr: low status, stubbornly niche, the connoisseur's misanthrope. I dislike boorish comedy that punches down for kicks, and I appreciate it can be hard to spot the difference when an act only seems to be doing so – especially when they're quoted out of context amid a hysterical media storm. But writing about the offensive comedy debate, Sadowitz has long been my go-to exemplar: if you're as skilful as he is, if you take the pains he takes to contextualise the material, you can be as brutally unpleasant as you like without censure."

"I'm an atheist and I love religion. And I don't love religion in a snarky mean-spirited way; I unabashedly, sincerely love that we have religion because if we didn't, we wouldn't be here right now; being all postmodern and ironic. There'd be no civilization. If no one invented religion, we'd be fucked right now. Because at the dawn of man, civilization was the biggest and the strongest... and that's as far as we're gonna go. It was whoever was the biggest fucked, killed, ate anything they wanted. That was it! Civilization was a huge psychopath with a club goin', "I'm gonna have rape for dinner." That was it! That's as far as we were gonna go. And then one of my ancestors, some weakling, said, "Look there's no way I can beat that guy, but what if I trick him into thinking that if he doesn't kill and rape people while he's down here, when he dies there's a magic city in the clouds and he can go up and have all the cake he wants?" Now that's not a very well formed plan but he went and told the big psycho. And the psycho heard that and said, "Uhh, I like cake." "BOOM! There you go! That was the beginning of civilization. Now we can work on fire and writing and agriculture. That's religion. It's the ol' sky cake dodge; it worked! And by the way, things were great for a while. But then, what was happening then was that shit was going on all over the planet. They would just use different deserts. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. So as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go, "Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?" and the first guy went, "It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!"..."

"I didn't realize how bad my outlook on life is until I went on a press tour for Ratatouille and had to talk to children's magazines and children's TV shows. And I wasn't interviewed by adults; I was interviewed by actual smiling children. And I didn't realize until that point how desperately I depend on negativity and cynicism just to communicate with the outside world. It's pathetic. The Oswalt family crest should just be a pair of eyes rolling off to the side, a bag of Cheetos, and then the word "fuck." That would be our shield that you'd see retreating from the great battles of history. "Fuck this. Bows and arrows? Nobody told me anything about bows and arrows. Goodbye.""

"In the middle of Tom Cruise's speech, there's this sudden, dramatic pull-in to his face, and there's tears in his eyes, and he says, "we live in a cynical world," and that's when my brother went, "FUCK YOU!" at the top of his... oh, my God. That was... it was such a horrible, rude thing to yell, and I was laughing so hard. I could not get the air in to make the sound of laughter. People ask me, "what is your favorite comedy of all time?" Jerry Maguire, when my brother yells, "fuck you!" at Tom Cruise. It is a 90-minute setup to one punchline. It's like not jerking off for ten years, and then painting the garage! Oh, my God, I'm seeing dead kings!"

"[on Barack Obama's election] Do you realize for the next four years America is gonna be a cool eighties cop flick? "Barack, get your ass in my office now! Did you balance the budget again?!" "Yeah, it was just sitting there, chief..." "You wrecked twenty cars! Senate's gonna have my ass for this." "Eh, whatever, chief." And he rides away in a Camaro on two wheels."

"If another one of my Whole-Foods friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet."

"The night we elected Obama, CNN had holograms. They had fuckin' holograms. We have Star Wars technology now. What if that means Barack is gonna to be the miracle he seems to be? What if this really is the dawning of an amazing age? He gets in there, fixes the economy, gets us out of Iraq and Afghanistan. We've got Osama bin Laden and George Bush in dunking booths filled with urine. You can just throw apples at em all day. And then what if he starts slinging amazing future technology on us. You know suddenly we get hover boots and teleportation pills and there's floating cars everywhere. At that point, would there be like two remaining holdout racists left? Like the last two guys down in Arkansas, in their hover boots? Just going, "Yeah, there's that nigger that gave us anti-gravity. I'm gonna be late to the cross burning. My free government blowjob robot broke. Fuckin' bullshit. This guy's the worst president ever. Just like a black guy to give you a blowjob robot for free and it breaks after 6 years. This sucks.""

""You've gotta respect everyone’s beliefs." No, you don't. That's what gets us in trouble. Look, you have to acknowledge everyone's beliefs, and then you have to reserve the right to go: "That is fuckin' stupid. Are you kiddin' me?" I acknowledge that you believe that, that's great, but I'm not gonna respect it. I have an uncle that believes he saw Sasquatch. We do not believe him nor do we respect him!"

"[on KFC's Famous Bowls] I just want kind of a light brown hillock of glop. If you could put my lunch in a blender, and liquefy it, and then put it into a caulking gun and inject it right into my femoral artery, even better! But until you invent a lunch gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl!"