Sky One Shows

"...that does for science what a long stick does for blocked drains."

"(A lot of times) Do not try this at home."

"...a skidmark on the underpants of science."

"...that declares war on magnets."

"...that makes the connection between gravy and monkeys."

"...that uses jelinite as a hair gel."

"...that's tested on living humans."

"...that spends a night with science and then e-mails you the pictures."

"...that took science up the aisle but then snogged the bridesmaid."

"...that wets its underpants inside-out to save on the laundry."

"...that lances boils on the spotty bottom of science."

"...running up the down escalator of science."

"...the dodgy landing gear on the jumbo jet of science."

"...an embarrassing wet patch on the trousers of science."

"...that farts at the dinner table and blames your granny."

"...that taught science how to swim - by chucking it into the deep end."

"...the bug-eyed, hunchbacked stepchild in the family of science."

"...a verruca on the naked foot of Lady Science."

"...that jams its finger in the eye of reason - for no reason."

"...[telepathically] for psychics. [out loud] Or maybe it's physicists..."

"...that takes common sense out the back - and gives it a good sh-"

"...a lit match in the firework factory of science."

"...with short-term memory loss. Welcome to Brainiac, the science show with short-term memory loss. Welcome to Brainiac..."

"...that bottles its sweat and sells it as perfume."

"...that pats science on the head and then runs off with its toupée."

"...that spills knowledge over the trousers of science."

"...that laughs in the face of danger, and slaps the cheeks of fear."

"...that grabs science by the whats-its and shakes madly."

"...that does for science what a lit fuse does for dynamite."

"...where we blow stuff up in search of big answers; but mostly just for the hell of it."

"...that had proof of the Roswell aliens, but taped the football over it."

"...where we blow things up and then have a good look inside."

"...where we lob chemicals around - then run like hell."

"...where we challenge science to a bare-knuckle fight, and give it a damn good thrashing."

"...that rings the doorbell of science and then runs away."

"...that sticks its fingers down the throat of science."

"...that doesn't listen to its mummy."

"...that never bothers to read the instructions."

"...that puts science in tight underpants, and gives it a wedgie."

"...that's a bit like a school science lesson, without the teacher, the classroom...or the science."

"...that science teachers like to confiscate, and then share out in the staffroom."

"...that Albert Einstein would've invented - if he hadn't been so thick."

"...where we undress science and have a good laugh at its bits."

"...which, if you invite it around for Sunday lunch, would play footsie with your mum."

"...that comes home late and wakes the neighbors."

"...that says "Honk if you love science!"."

"...that orders a vindaloo and then demands more cheese."

"...that gate-crashes the party of science, drinks all the beer, and wees on the sofa."

"...that winds up science until the veins throb in its neck."

"...that wipes its nose on the sleeve of science."