"You've heard me say, that you never turn your back on family. And I wanna thank you all for never turning your back on me. You wanna meet them? All right. Everyone... Meet Brian."

"Hayden Rorke — Dr. Andrew Nordell"

"Paul Harvey — Reverend Galsworthy"

"Tom Irish — Ben Banks"

"Don Taylor — Buckley Dunstan"

"Billie Burke — Doris Dunstan"

"Elizabeth Taylor — Kay Dunstan"

"Moroni Olsen — Herbert Dunstan"

"Spencer Tracy — Stanley T. Banks"

"Richard Rober — Police Sergeant"

"Marietta Canty — Delilah"

"Joan Bennett — Ellie Banks"

"[to Ellie] You're more excited about this baby than you were any of ours."

"[after someone called him 'Grampa' at the announcement event] Somewhere there was a fly in the ointment... Grampa, that was the fly. Grampa."

"The blessed event of 1951...merrily surpassing "Father of the Bride"...again starring Spencer Tracy, Joan Bennett and Elizabeth Taylor...M-G-M of course!"

"Russ Tamblyn — Tommy Banks"

"M.G.M New Laugh Hit!"

"You know what my grandpa always used to say? "A man who never made a mistake never made anything. The trick is to be responsible and to learn from your mistakes." And you can do that. You're a really great kid, Greg. And I'm not just saying that because we're a lot alike."

"We just can't let this affect us that much. If we do that, the terrorists win."

"Hey, what is that? A store-bought s'mores maker? A TV?! Pre-tied knots?! Stan, you're a phony! So much for the big camper."

"Heather: [after Rodrick knocks down her ice bust; enraged] No. NO! [picks up a microphone stand and walks over to him; lividly] I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"

"I feel like a gangster right now!"

"This song goes out to a very special little lady. Heather Hills... this one's for you."

"Zachary Gordon as Greg Heffley"

"I don't know if the house is haunted, but I hope it is."

"A refrigerator? Ready-made meals? And a TV? This isn't camping!"

"Loaded diaper, activate."

"Christopher A. Coppola as Mr. Beardo"

"Kimberli Lincoln as Mrs. Beardo"

"Mira Silverman as Brandi Beardo"

"Vivis Cortez - Martine"

"Wyatt and Dylan Walters as Manny Heffley"

"Joshua Hoover as Mac Digby"

"Mimi Gould as Meemaw"

"Devon Bostick as Rodrick Heffley"

"Charlie Wright as Rodrick Heffley"

"Jackson Xenia Prieto and William Juan Prieto - Hunter Rey"

"Alicia Silverstone as Susan Heffley"

"Pirate's life."