"He loved me very much, but he was not very observant. One day when I was nineteen, he called me to his study, realized for the first time that I was Oriental, and kicked me out of house!"

"Went back to theory seldom used today: "Butler Did It.""

"You should not speak with an accent when you know I'm so hungry."

"Monsieur Twain, we have been here nearly four hours and there has not been a hint of a hot dinner or a cold corpse. I must therefore bid you adieu."

"You don't have to say "dead butler." It's bad enough I have to put my hand in his pocket."

"One of us will be one million dollars richer, and one of us will be going to the gas chamber to be hung."

"Forgive me, but I was talking about patricide, not uncle-cide."

"Mr. Twain would come to France every season…to hunt poodles."

"I am not a Frenchie, I'm a Belgie!"

"You look taller to me. Why is that?"

"As a man you are barely passable, but as a woman you are a dog."

"There's nothing on him until '46, when he was picked up in El Paso, Texas for trying to smuggle a truckload of rich, white Americans across the border into Mexico to pick melons. He was sent to the Dallas state hospital for mental observation."

"Please, excuse Sam. He was shot in the head last week. He shouldn't even be out of the hospital."

"Why don't you ask the moose on the wall? He's been watching us since we came in."

"All right, we'll take turns. You look over the first dead, naked body that we find and I'll look over the second."

"That can only mean one thing—and I don't know what it is!"

"I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I'd keep my door closed."

"Patricia Pearcy - Rhonda"

"Michael Shawn - Ronnie"

"Theresa Merritt - Mrs. Crosby"

"Barbara Rhoades - Donna"

"Paul Benedict - Mark"

"Quinn Cummings - Lucy McFadden"

"Marsha Mason - Paula McFadden"

"Richard Dreyfuss - Elliott Garfield"

"Thank you Neil Simon for making us laugh at falling in love…again."

"You're not the only one who can yell rape, you know."

"You know I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first rate."

"You know I liked you from the first time I met you when you answered the door. I said to myself, "This is the best half-a-face I ever saw!""

"What is it about you that makes a man with a hundred forty-seven I.Q. feel like a dribbling idiot?"

"My careereth is over. I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth. Mark, I'm begging you. I'm BEGGING you. You want this kind of performance? Let me play Lady Anne."

"Miss McFadden, today I begin rehearsals for my first New York play. It will be the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. For I have meditated. I am relaxed. I am calm. I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated, and therefore you are a pain in the ass."

""It never occurred to us that William Shakespeare wrote the Wizard of Oz. However, Elliot Garfield makes a splendid Wicked Witch of the North." Tacky. Tacky. Well, if they're gonna kill me. Let 'em kill me with panache."

"If you were a Broadway musical, people would be humming your face."