Satirists From England

"Each episode follows an unbelievably spoiled rich and tiny sod as they prepare to throw a despicably opulent coming of age party for themselves and their squealing shitcake friends."

"So whose side is it on, is it on Anthea's side or is it on human kind side? Well the answer is it's on nobody's side but its own; it's a TV program, it's just gonna sneer at everyone because that's what TV programs do they sneer and sometimes they just roll around slapping their bums! (rolls about pointing his buttocks at the camera and slapping them whilst grunting "Nuh, nuh!") On the sofa, because they're so bloody, fucking pleased with themselves."

"Modern 3D cinema technology works by ensuring your left eye sees one image while your right sees another. But they could, presumably, issue one pair of specs comprising two left-eye lenses (for children to wear), and another with two right-eye lenses (for adults). This would make it possible for parents to take their offspring to the cinema and watch two entirely different films at the same time. So while the kiddywinks are being placated by an animated CGI doodle about rabbits entering the Winter Olympics or something, their parents will be bearing witness to some apocalyptically degrading pornography. The tricky thing would be making the soundtracks match. Those cartoon rabbits would have to spend a lot of time slapping their bellies and moaning."

"Balls to aspiration, it's a tosser's mirage."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells."

"Actually, I think this might be an Al-Qaeda recruitment film."

"Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Screenwipe, a programme all about television."

"Well, babies are notoriously foul-mouthed. [shot of Charlie pointing at a doll] This one just called Derek a prick!"

"Oh good, this is hardly ever on."

"I usually quite like women, but this advert makes me want to kill about 900 of them with my bare hands. It ends with the tiresome ladettes marching down a high street triumphantly singing the Here Come the Girls song out loud, like an invading squadron tormenting the natives with its war cry. Next year they'll probably be armed. Fear this."

"That's certainly made me think - it's made me think, "I don't know if I want a television any more.""

"The insomniac brain comes in various flavours; different personality types you're forced to share your skull with for several hours. It's like being trapped in a lift with someone who won't shut up. Sometimes your companion is a peppy irritant who passes the time by humming half- remembered TV theme tunes until 7am. Other times it's a morose critic who has recently compiled a 1,500-page report on your innumerable failings and wants to run over it with you a few times before going to print. Worst of all is the hyper-aware sportscaster who offers an uninterrupted commentary describing which bits of your body are currently the least comfortable. No matter where you put that leg, he won't be satisfied. And he's convinced you've got one arm too many."

"...the news might be single-handedly trying to bring about an environmental catastrophe, which it will then report on."

"Policemen and security guards wear hats with a peak that comes down low over their eyes. Apparently this is a psychological technique, because eyebrows are very expressive, they let you down if you're lying or trying to bully somebody. You have far more authority if you keep them covered up. The advantage of this is that if makes it difficult for your average cop to see anything more than six foot off the ground. Which is why painting rooftops and bridges is so easy."

"I was concerned the piece was a bit too much like a legitimate sign and told my mate I thought it went over people's heads. 'It's not that it goes over people's heads,' he said, 'it's just that they all fucking ducked.'"

"All artists are willing to suffer for their work. But why are so few prepared to learn to draw?"

"Painting something that defies the law of the land is good. Painting something that defies the law of the land and defies the law of gravity at the same time is really good."

"On my first day of work as a pork butcher the boss showed me a side of meat and said 'just treat the animal like you treat the ladies.' He then hacked off part of the rib cage with a swing of his cleaver, threw it in a polystyrene tray, pulled some cellophane tightly around it, bounced it off his knee and threw it over his shoulder into a bucket. It turned out he hadn't had a girlfriend for over two years."

"Being yourself is overrated anyway. It doesn't help. People say 'I'm just being myself' as if that's some kind of fucking achievement. That's not an achievement, that's not honesty, it's just a lack of imagination and cowardice."

"Last year there was a story on the news that went 'A man arrested in Central London today was found to be carrying over a hundred British passports, twenty birth certificates and more than three hundred driving licenses. Police say they have not yet been able to identify the man...'"

"Oh my god, that's so cute the way you just draw on stuff and think about yourself all the time."

"An illegal monument to the British talent for binge drinking and vandalising public property."

"There are four basic human needs: food, sleep, sex and revenge."

"It's going to take one very special lady, or a whole load of average ones, to get over you."

"I think I was trying to make a statement about the endless recycling of an icon by endlessly recycling an icon."

"People seem to think that if they dress like a revolutionary, they don't actually have to behave like one."

"There's a famous story about a hobo who hitch-hiked the freight trains across the Australian outback many years ago. He marked his trips by writing the word 'Eternity' everywhere he could in elaborate chalk handwriting. He wrote on so many train cars, bridges and pavements that all across Australia he became part of urban folklore. In 1999 Sydney led the world celebrations for the arrival of a new millennium, and as the eyes of the world watch a spectacular firework display lit up the harbour, at its very center, spanning the length of its famous bridge was the word 'Eternity', spelt out in that same elaborate script by a thousand tiny lights. Fucking sell out." [lightly edited for grammar]"

"The problem with painting in Zoos is that it's slightly too effective. They tend to get rid of it as soon as possible. I'd had enough when the rope ladder into the Chimpanzee enclosure at the Sydney Zoo snapped and I fell into the moat getting a mouthful of monkey piss. By 10am the next morning the words 'Please help me get out of here I am the victim of a cruel scientific experiment... I am not a monkey... Somebody do something' had been completely painted over. The solution was to write stuff on cardboard and throw it into the enclosures when no one was looking. Then you just sit back and listen to the explanation parents give as their kids ask 'Why don't we just let them go home if they want to, mummy?'"

"Mindless vandalism can take a bit of thought."

"Why would someone just paint pictures of a revolutionary when you could actually behave like one instead?"

"When graffiti first started it was about getting noticed. But with inflation 'getting noticed' is worth almost nothing these days. Now you have to be a genuine nuisance if you want to get along."

"[Description of a stuffed mouse dressed as a graffiti artist that Banksy snuck into the London Museum as an exhibit:] "The Banksus Militius is a virulent pest that marks its territory with a series of elaborate signs. Professor R Langford of University College of London states, 'Laugh now but one day they may well be in charge'.""

"In a recent survey of American men 42% were found to overeat, 34% were critically overweight, 10% technically obese, and 8% ate the survey."

"My sister threw away loads of my drawings when I was a kid and when I asked her where they were she shrugged and said 'Well it's not like they're ever gonna be hanging in the Louvre, is it?'"

"I'd been painting rats for three years before someone said 'that's a clever anagram of art' and I had to pretend I'd known that all along."

"Nobody ever listened to me and I used to think that was their fault. Eventually I got to realise maybe it was the fact I was boring and paranoid that was the problem. But you find that people who know you rarely listen to a word you say, even though they'll happily take as gospel the word of a man they've never met if it's on a record or in a book. If you want to say something and have people listen then you have to wear a mask. If you want to be honest then you have to live a lie."

"Some mothers will do anything for their children, except let them be themselves."

"DANGER / CONTAMINATED AREA / RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL" [Fake sign glued into St. James' Park, next to Buckingham Palace, 2004. Became an unlikely collaboration with the Metropolitan Police who made it look far more realistic by stationing a community support officer on the bridge nearby telling people not to be alarmed. Lasted 22 hours.]"

"People say painting graffiti doesn't change anything, but the GLA committee found that 'house prices can drop by as much as 10% in badly affected areas' so it's worth bearing in mind if you want to get on the property ladder."

"Suicide bombers just need a hug."

"Bloodthirsty people should bite their tongues."

"When the time comes to leave, just walk away quietly and don't make any fuss."

"Fight the fighters, not their wars."

"There's nothing more dangerous than someone who wants to make the world a better place."

""People who enjoy waving flags don't deserve to have one." [sic]"

"The anger management is not working."

"[Letter received to the Banksy website:] "I don't know who you are or how many of you there are but i am writing to ask you to stop painting your things where we live. In particular XXXXXX road in Hackney. My brother and me were born here and have lived here all our lives but these days so many yuppies and students are moving here neither of us can afford to buy a house where we grew up anymore. Your graffities are undoubtably part of what makes these wankers think our area is cool. You're obviously not from round here and after you've driven up the house prices you'll probably just move on. Do us all a favour and go do your stuff somewhere else like Brixton. -daniel" [sic; name and address not withheld]"

"Love Poem / Beyond watching eyes / With sweet and tender kisses / Our souls reached out to each other / In breathless wonder // And when I awoke / From a vast and smiling peace / I found you bathed in morning light / Quietly studying / All the messages on my phone"

"The human race is an unfair and stupid competition. A lot of runners don't even get decent sneakers or clean drinking water. Some runners are born with a massive head start, every possible help along the way and still the referees seem to be on their side. It's not surprising a lot of people have given up competing altogether and gone to sit in the grandstand, eat junk food and shout abuse. What we need in this race is a lot more streakers."

"Remember crime against property is not real crime. People look at an oil painting and admire the use of brushstrokes to convey meaning. People look at a graffiti painting and admire the use of a drainpipe to gain access."