"This guy is in love! L-U-V! Ernest is in love. Ernest and Charlotte sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Ernest pushing a baby carriage!"

"We're sorry, Ernest, Bobby didn't know the mace can was loaded."

"Ernest, we're late for work!"

"Pull on it! Pull on it, Chuck!"

"(Thinking Nash is Ernest) You are slime Ernest P. Worrell!"

"This is pathetic."

"Don't worry about that diet, tubby. Once I set this fuse, you'll lose all that weight."

"Here, I'll help you up!"

"Is everyone who works here a moron?"

"This guy is better off in jail."

"Look, I'm not this guy Nash!"

"Real men are not intimidated by physical threats against their personal selves, and, ironically, neither am I."

"David Hemmings as Governor"

"Adam Fogerty - Mouse"

"Rocky Marshall - Cigs"

"Stephen Martin Walters - Nitro"

"Danny Dyer - Billy the Limpet"

"Jamie Sives - Chiv"

"Jason Statham - Monk"

"David Kelly - Doc"

"Vinnie Jones - Danny Meehan"

"It's Not Just About Football, It's About Pride Inside!"

"Not Your Usual Suspects"

"[After Danny asks him why he hasn't gone insane] Only does your nut in if you don't think you should be here. Look at me. Sweet old geezer, eh? A bit bumbly, full of jail-block wisdom, cornerstone of the nick, put in with the foundations, right? [scoffs] Right. I didn't get to be the oldest lag for breaking windows. Villains spend their lives shitting themselves that other criminals are going to see to them. So they get their retaliation in first, and twice as nasty. A bloke was coming after me. So I, er... I went around to his digs and lobbed a grenade in the window. Left over after the war, you know, army surplus. I didn't know, but he had his little nipper and his bird in there with him. [his eyes filling with tears] The house went up like Guy Fawkes' Night. No-one came out. He'd barricaded the door with furniture in case I came around. By the time they got in, the screaming had stopped. [crying] Thirteen months old, learning to walk, apparently. Nothing I can do is ever going to make up for that, is it?"

"Most of the guys in here have nothing. Never had to start with. But you, you had everything they ever dreamed of. And you threw it all away."

"Stick that in your trophy cabinet. [gives the game ball to the governor]"

"[Explaining why he threw the England-Germany game] It's funny, but when you're in that football world, you just don't realise what it means to people. You only find out how disappointed they are, when you let them down. I was 16 when I signed pro forms. Thought I was the business. Didn't take long for standards to start slipping. Cars, booze, bad tips for slow horses... You think you can handle it, then bang, very soon it's handling you. Before I was picking up trophies, I was 425 grand down to men nasty enough... well, even they would have put the wind up Mr Sykes. But they did give me two choices - a wheelchair for life, or a deliberate penalty against the Germans. It's not as if I've prospered. Look where I've ended up."

"[Talking to the squad before the game] Oh right lads, you wanna be nothing, prisoners...numbers...that's fine. But you win out there today and you'll have something to remember forever, talk about it over and over, because up and down the country there are cons that are pig sick of not being here in your shoes...just to have one crack at those bastards next door! Run your guts out, and you'll have somethin' in 'ere. [points towards heart] They can never touch, no parole boards, judges or nutcase governors... NOW... ask yourselves one question...ARE YOU READY? [team replies glumly] ...YEAH, ARE WE? [team replies whole heartedly]...YEAH! THEN, COME ON!"

"Ryan Giggs - a warden (cameo at minute 77:00)"

"Paul Lavin - Losing 3-0"

"Stephen Bent - Referee"

"J. J. Connolly - Barry The Bookie"

"Omid Djalili - Raj"

"David Cropman - Second Barman"

"David Reid - Barman"

"Martin Wimbush as Z"

"Jason Flemyng as Bob Likely"

"Andrew Grainger as Kat"

"Sally Phillips - Tracey"

"John Forgeham - Sykes"

"Geoff Bell - Ratchett"

"Robbie Gee - Trojan"

"Vas Blackwood - Massive"

"Ralph Brown - Burton"

"Phil Roth—Woolsey"